The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

We live in ugly times.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Children say that people are hung sometimes for speaking the truth.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Songs don’t have to be about going out on Saturday night and having a good rink-up and driving home and crashing cars. A lot of what I’ve done is about alienation… about where you fit in society.

Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

And while the law of competition may be sometimes hard for the individual, it is best for the race, because it ensures the survival of the fittest in every department.

Without culture, and the relative freedom it implies, society, even when perfect, is but a jungle. This is why any authentic creation is a gift to the future.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

You can’t get a contemporary story about what is going on inside government, and how society sees itself, on American TV.

If we go on your iPhone and go to the dictionary and look up ‚humble,‘ 80 per cent of the definition is negative. It’s a controlling word. It’s a way to control the masses and to control the sheep.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Governments don’t control people like they used to.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

‚Fahrenheit 451‘ postulates a lot of things I didn’t want to have happen.

Both free speech rights and property rights belong legally to individuals, but their real function is social, to benefit vast numbers of people who do not themselves exercise these rights.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Life in general has never been even close to fair, so the pretense that the government can make it fair is a valuable and inexhaustible asset to politicians who want to expand government.

I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.

Where there is righteousness in the heart, there is harmony in the house; when there is harmony in the house, there is order in the nation; when there is order in the nation, there is peace in the world.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Free speech has been used by the Supreme Court to give immense power to the wealthiest members of our society.

Experience demands that man is the only animal which devours his own kind, for I can apply no milder term to the general prey of the rich on the poor.

For my part, I desire to see the time when education – and by its means, morality, sobriety, enterprise and industry – shall become much more general than at present, and should be gratified to have it in my power to contribute something to the advancement of any measure which might have a tendency to accelerate the happy period.

It is not possible for civilization to flow backwards while there is youth in the world. Youth may be headstrong, but it will advance it allotted length.

Civilization is the making of civil persons.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I think that people are tired. They’re tired of the same old kind of politics. People want a new tone to politics.

Upon the education of the people of this country the fate of this country depends.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

In too much of the West, everyone wants the guarantee of safety, and never having to make any decisions.

To terrify children with the image of hell… to consider women an inferior creation. Is that good for the world?

Popular art is the dream of society; it does not examine itself.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

If the structures of the human mind remain unchanged, we will always end up re-creating the same world, the same evils, the same dysfunction.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

We live in a world that has narrowed into a neighborhood before it has broadened into a brotherhood.