The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain.

A man must be both stupid and uncharitable who believes there is no virtue or truth but on his own side.

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it’s curved like a road through mountains.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

They say somebody’s ‚street smart.‘ I feel like, if I got intelligence, it’s just a country smart.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Age merely shows what children we remain.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

Our experience of any painting is always the latest line in a long conversation we’ve been having with painting. There’s no way of looking at art as though you hadn’t seen art before.

‚Tis best to weigh the enemy more mighty than he seems.

Why should poetry have to make sense?

Anybody can be specific and obvious. That’s always been the easy way. It’s not that it’s so difficult to be unspecific and less obvious; it’s just that there’s nothing, absolutely nothing, to be specific and obvious about.

I feel like everything we do comes down to how it looks. Even no branding is branding. For example, you had no face or image to put to my music at first. That was branding.

Quality is never an accident. It is always the result of intelligent effort.

He who lives in our mind is near though he may actually be far away; but he who is not in our heart is far though he may really be nearby.

It occurred to me that there was no difference between men, in intelligence or race, so profound as the difference between the sick and the well.

In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.

A fool is wise in his eyes.

My justification is that most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about what they’re going to do for the next five or ten years. The time they spend thinking about their life, I just spend drinking.

A person who is gifted sees the essential point and leaves the rest as surplus.

Life is a song to me.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be willing to change our belief system, let the past slip away, expand our sense of now, and dissolve the fear in our minds.

Really I don’t like human nature unless all candied over with art.

Human life is everywhere a state in which much is to be endured, and little to be enjoyed.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Ageing’s alright, better than the alternative, which is not being here.

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

We cannot insist only on issues related to abortion, gay marriage and the use of contraceptive methods. The teaching of the church is clear, and I am a son of the church, but it is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time.

We are faced with the paradoxical fact that education has become one of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought.

Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

I don’t think I would be interested in the climate at all if I had been like everyone else.

The minority is sometimes right; the majority always wrong.

Even Gaddafi’s adversaries assure us that he stood out for his intelligence as a student; he was expelled from high-school for his anti-monarchic activities. He managed to enroll in another high-school and later graduated in law at the University of Benghazi at the age of 21.

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.

The Public is merely a multiplied ‚me.‘

The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning.

If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.

It is not length of life, but depth of life.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works.

Beauty is also submitted to the taste of time, so a beautiful woman from the Belle Epoch is not exactly the perfect beauty of today, so beauty is something that changes with time.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I’d rather be optimistic and wrong than pessimistic and right.

There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.

In one case out of a hundred a point is excessively discussed because it is obscure; in the ninety-nine remaining it is obscure because it is excessively discussed.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.

You’re dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway.

It’s not morbid to talk about death. Most people don’t worry about death, they worry about a bad death.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.