The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

You’ll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

Good planning is important. I’ve also regarded a sense of humor as one of the most important things on a big expedition. When you’re in a difficult or dangerous situation, or when you’re depressed about the chances of success, someone who can make you laugh eases the tension.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Amour is the one human activity of any importance in which laughter and pleasure preponderate, if ever so slightly, over misery and pain.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I grew up in a funny way.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A laugh, to be joyous, must flow from a joyous heart, for without kindness, there can be no true joy.

Laughter heals all wounds, and that’s one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you’re going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

Music is the voice that tells us that the human race is greater than it knows.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Stand-up is my baby.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.