The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Searching is half the fun: life is much more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party.

Movies are fun, but they are no cure for cancer.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Comedy Central was a great network, but ‚Chappelle’s Show‘ took it to a completely different level. Other shows got bigger because so many viewers were watching the ‚Chappelle‘ reruns. For BET, the ‚Real Husbands of Hollywood‘ has that same potential.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Politics is applesauce.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual – which nothing is more actual than stand-up – it’s a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time – we miss that.

I used to rush home to see ‚Match Of The Day.‘ Whatever I was doing, I wouldn’t miss it.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut the check, and I will perform anywhere.

I want to play a fireman and a spy. I want to learn special effects.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I’ll die a crazy old man!

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.

I’m never gonna step away from stand-up. I can’t. That’s what got me where I am, and that’s also my muse. That’s how I stay level-headed. That’s what keeps me going.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

My opinion can be completely different after a show.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Man, I really like Vegas.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I don’t like to be bored.

I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.

I saw MotoGP on TV first, before I saw F1 and other types of car racing. It’s what I got more into. It was cool, there was good, exciting racing.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Films and television and even comic books are churning out vast quantities of fictional narratives, and the public continues to swallow them up with great passion. That is because human beings need stories.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

That’s a traditional Samoan dance. I was lucky that I was able to fly my cousins, who are professional dancers, up from Hawaii and they were able to be in the movie with me. We had a great time.

I think the personal relationships I established mattered in terms of what I was able to get done. And I did bring women’s issues to the center of our foreign policy.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.