The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I still learn, but I think it’s the best thing in life to have a kid.

Any man who doesn’t love his mama can’t be no friend of mine.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I remember how my mother would bring us to chapel on Sundays… and my father used to wait outside. One of the things that I picked up from my father and my mother was the sense that religion often gets in the way of God. For me, at least, it got in the way.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I try to lead by example, being conscious of others and being responsible.

According to Ethiopian custom, parents wait to name a baby because children often die in the first weeks of life.

It’s in responsibility that most people find the meaning that sustains them through life. It’s not in happiness. It’s not in impulsive pleasure.

You teach your daughters the diameters of the planets and wonder when you are done that they do not delight in your company.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

I was totally dominated and revered my father. I admired everything he did. He was a great sports person. He loved me. I was his only boy at that time, before my brother Billy came along.

My mom is American, so I was raised in her household in my formative years.

The death of my father is probably the biggest thing that I ever faced. Daddy and I were best friends.

We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

I’m just glad I was able to return to some of that innocence and beauty I had as a child when I started my own family, and my children brought me back some of that spirit.

The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

We knew sports was important to us and our family, but there are priorities in life.Obviously, faith is foremost; how we did in school is important. If we didn’t handle that business then there were no privileges.

I repeat… that all power is a trust; that we are accountable for its exercise; that from the people and for the people all springs, and all must exist.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Accountability breeds response-ability.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

My grandmother used to embarrass me more, when she would pick me up from school wearing a big fuzzy hat. I didn’t like that.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Lectures should go from being like the family singing around the piano to high-quality concerts.

As a mom, I know it is my responsibility, and no one else’s, to raise my kids. But we have to ask ourselves, what does it mean when so many parents are finding their best efforts undermined by an avalanche of advertisements aimed at our kids.

My mother was a full-time mother. She didn’t have much of her own career, her own life, her own experiences… everything was for her children. I will never be as good a mother as she was. She was just grace incarnate. She was the most generous, loving – she’s better than me.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.

When I tell a child something the first time, I’m nice. The 15th time, I start to get aggravated.

There are some important differences between me and Tony Stark, like I have five kids, so I spend more time going to Disneyland than parties.

My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

Upon the farm of the uncle with whom I lived, we did know of the mortgage as some dreadful damper on youthful hopes of things that could not be bought. I do have a vivid recollection that the major purpose of a farm was to produce a living right on the spot for the family.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

Where thou art, that is home.

My mother was a public school teacher in Virginia, and we didn’t have any money, we just survived on happiness, on being a happy family.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.

We all have the duty to do good.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I was brought up as an only child, and we were very close. But when I was 14, we got evicted. We came home to a padlock, and I looked up at my mom and she was crying, and there was nothing to do.

All the awards in the world, you can get into all the nightclubs, they’ll send you the nicest clothes. Nothing better than walking into your dad’s restaurant and seeing a smile on his face and knowing that your mom and dad and your sister are real proud of you.

You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.

Kids end up seeing my movies anyway but some of the mothers get mad at me so I figured I’d make one that I can’t get yelled at for.

Every President wants to do right.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

No, we don’t own our children. Our parental privilege is to love them, to lead them, and to let them go.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

If you have a family mission statement that clarifies what your purpose is, then you use that as the criterion by which you make the decisions.