The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

When you are young, you cannot imagine being disabled. You imagine you would conquer it somehow. As I’ve got older, I can imagine it; I can see how life narrows in. I feel compassion for my mother now.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing ‚Maria‘ from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.

Be the chief but never the lord.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

The details surrounding both my marriage and subsequent filing for divorce are private, and I had hoped to keep them that way for the sake of my family.

One of the greatest lessons of my own life was learning to turn the inner rampage of hatred and anger toward my own father for his reprehensible behavior and abandonment of his family into an inner reaction more closely aligned with God and God-realized love.

Without a moral framework, there is nothing left but immediate self-indulgence by some and the path of least resistance by others. Neither can sustain a free society.

I believe with all my heart that America remains ‚the great idea‘ that inspires the world. It is a privilege to be born here. It is an honor to become a citizen here. It is a gift to raise your family here, to vote here, and to live here.

Think about what people are doing on Facebook today. They’re keeping up with their friends and family, but they’re also building an image and identity for themselves, which in a sense is their brand. They’re connecting with the audience that they want to connect to. It’s almost a disadvantage if you’re not on it now.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

It is totally different making films in the East than in the West. In the East, I make my own Jackie Chan films, and it’s like my family. Sometimes I pick up the camera because I choreograph all the fighting scenes, even when I’m not fighting. I don’t have my own chair. I just sit on the set with everybody.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

I was raised by strong women, and that DNA is in my daughter and wife.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.

Your children will see what you’re all about by what you live rather than what you say.

Responsibility, I believe, accrues through privilege.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

It’s OK to have your eggs in one basket as long as you control what happens to that basket.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

I think about the milestones from my childhood and what it will be like to watch our kids go through them. Taking Riley to her first day of school was a whirlwind. I can’t imagine what middle school is going to be like, and high school, and graduation.

Helped are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

I’ve always wanted a baby.

My mother was Catholic, my father was Protestant. There was always a debate going on at home – I think in those days we called them arguments – about who was right and who was wrong.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Every right implies a responsibility; Every opportunity, an obligation, Every possession, a duty.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I don’t know if I officially proofread my father’s book, but I read it. I did get some conception of grammar in general from that.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

You know, my sister sings, my brother plays drums in my band. My whole family is a bunch of musicians.

My father had died, and very swiftly, too, of cancer of the esophagus. He was 79. I am 61. In whatever kind of a ‚race‘ life may be, I have very abruptly become a finalist.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I have no ambition to govern men; it is a painful and thankless office.

My mother was very strong. Once, she picked up a coconut and smashed it against my father’s head. It taught me about women defending themselves and not collapsing in a heap.

My husband and I had to raise five of my younger brothers and sisters. They lived with us. We sent them to school.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My mother made me truly appreciate women.

I grew up around lots of men – my father, my brothers, my uncles – so I wasn’t intimidated by them.

My parents taught me never to judge others based on whom they love, what color their skin is, or their religion.

I am just happy to be part of the Nike family.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

The only big things I’ve purchased are my dad’s heart valve and a Rolls-Royce for my parents, for their anniversary. And that was only because my dad had a Lady Gaga license plate on our old car and it was making me crazy because he was getting followed everywhere, so I bought him a new car.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

I am not deeply involved in Australian politics but I know there are prime ministers, governments around the world who are not acting responsibly in relation to climate change.

And so our mothers and grandmothers have, more often than not anonymously, handed on the creative spark, the seed of the flower they themselves never hoped to see – or like a sealed letter they could not plainly read.