The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

If thy brother wrongs thee, remember not so much his wrong-doing, but more than ever that he is thy brother.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.

It’s a funny old world.

I believe that every human mind feels pleasure in doing good to another.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

That which is given with pride and ostentation is rather an ambition than a bounty.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Let your heart feel for the afflictions and distress of everyone, and let your hand give in proportion to your purse.

Life becomes harder for us when we live for others, but it also becomes richer and happier.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Charity bestowed upon those who are worthy of it is like good seed sown on a good soil that yields an abundance of fruits. But alms given to those who are yet under the tyrannical yoke of the passions are like seed deposited in a bad soil. The passions of the receiver of the alms choke, as it were, the growth of merits.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I had a great time being a salesman because of the pitches that I gave when I was selling shoes. However, I don’t think I’m as well versed in shoes as I am in comedy. Being a salesman was all about being a people person, and I enjoy being around people. I also love talking to people – which is why I think I did so well.

To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.

A man is ethical only when life, as such, is sacred to him, that of plants and animals as that of his fellow men, and when he devotes himself helpfully to all life that is in need of help.

Do good to your friends to keep them, to your enemies to win them.

Nobody can ever make enough money for as many poor relatives as I’ve got. Somebody’s got a sick kid, or somebody needs an operation, somebody ain’t got this, somebody ain’t got that. Or to give the kids all a car when they graduate.

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.

People who identify themselves as conservatives donate money to charity more often than people who identify themselves as liberals. They donate more money and a higher percentage of their incomes.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

One must be poor to know the luxury of giving!

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Stay humble and be concerned for the less fortunate.

If you ask the CEO of some major corporation what he does, he will say, in all honesty, that he is slaving 20 hours a day to provide his customers with the best goods or services he can and creating the best possible working conditions for his employees.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A little bit of mercy makes the world less cold and more just.

He who obtains has little. He who scatters has much.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

We can be thankful to a friend for a few acres, or a little money; and yet for the freedom and command of the whole earth, and for the great benefits of our being, our life, health, and reason, we look upon ourselves as under no obligation.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

There is as much greatness of mind in acknowledging a good turn, as in doing it.