The French complain of everything, and always.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Humor is reason gone mad.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

In the public eye, girls and women with strong perspectives are hated. If you’re a girl with an opinion, people just hate you. There are still people who are afraid of successful women, and that’s so lame.

Perception often lags behind reality, and I can say from experience that the vast majority of public officials in Louisiana are much better than our reputation holds us to be.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

For most of my life I let women do the driving and was happy to let them.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I have known people who are working class or craftsmen, who happen to be more intellectual than professors.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Here’s the thing. We do a movie with a predominantly black cast, and it’s put in a category of being a black film. When other movies are done with a predominantly white cast, we don’t call them a white film. I’m trying to remove the stigma off things they call black films.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

Stand-up is hard.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.