The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

When I went back to England after a year away, the country seemed stuck, dozing in a fairy tale, stifled by the weight of tradition.

I made my fair share of mistakes.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The best place to find God is in a garden. You can dig for him there.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Philosophy is the highest music.

No man ever prayed heartily without learning something.

I have learned to know God. I have recast my social belief… All my admirers are married; most of my friends are dead; and I stand with all the world before me, where to choose a path to make in it.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

When someone is impatient and says, ‚I haven’t got all day,‘ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Ask an older person you respect to tell you his or her greatest regret.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

The end is the beginning of all things, Suppressed and hidden, Awaiting to be released through the rhythm Of pain and pleasure.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

In the vain laughter of folly wisdom hears half its applause.

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.

All who think cannot but see there is a sanction like that of religion which binds us in partnership in the serious work of the world.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Sometimes you stumble across a few chords that put you in a reflective place.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Life cannot be without relationship, but we have made it so agonizing and hideous by basing it on personal and possessive love. Can one love and yet not possess? You will find the true answer not in escape, ideals, beliefs but through the understanding of the causes of dependence and possessiveness.

To some extent I liken slavery to death.

Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

The supreme function of reason is to show man that some things are beyond reason.

Talking with a friend is nothing else but thinking aloud.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Give thy thoughts no tongue.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in at death; and the higher the rate of interest and the more regularly it is paid, the further the date of redemption is postponed.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

The concept of loneliness and exile and self-sufficiency continually bucks me up.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

When a man fell into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from the world.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Dissents speak to a future age.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

To all those who have suffered as a consequence of our troubled past I extend my sincere thoughts and deep sympathy. With the benefit of historical hindsight we can all see things which we would wish had been done differently or not at all.

Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.