The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Sweet are the uses of adversity which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head.

If life gives you limes, make margaritas.

So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

This world is but a canvas to our imagination.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep.

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds makes ill deeds done!

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.