That’s the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they’d be like, ‚Yeah, big deal. I’d eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you’re pulling down.‘

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Well, to the people who pray for me to not only have an agonising death, but then be reborn to have an agonising and horrible eternal life of torture, I say, ‚Well, good on you. See you there.‘

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil; for which reason I have long since as good as renounced it.

He would make a lovely corpse.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

People use irony as a defense mechanism.

There may be a great fire in our hearts, yet no one ever comes to warm himself at it, and the passers-by see only a wisp of smoke.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

Let me state the obvious. Illegal immigration is illegal, duh.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.