That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I used to have nightmares that they would put ‚He played Ted‘ on my tombstone.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Man the individual consoles himself for his passing with the thought of the offspring or the works which he leaves behind.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

Those who know me know I’m passionate about lists, and top of my list of priorities is my family. My wife Joan and I do not consider our legacy to our children to be wealth or fame but the opportunity to pursue happiness by following their own path.

Kitty Wells was the first and only Queen of Country Music, no matter what they call the rest of us. She was a great inspiration to me as well as every other female singer in the country music business. In addition to being a wonderful asset to country music, she was a wonderful woman.

I hate to be smart.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Every President I think I’ve ever known, except Truman, has thought they didn’t quite get done what they wanted done. And toward the end of their Administrations, they were disappointed and wished they had done some things differently.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

A tomb now suffices him for whom the whole world was not sufficient.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

History has proven that each generation of Howard graduates will forge the way forward for our country and our world.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I owe everything to Nirvana. But I can’t let that overshadow the future. For the first few years, I didn’t even want to talk about Nirvana. Partly because it was just painful to talk about losing Kurt but also because I wanted the Foo Fighters to mean something.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‚I used everything you gave me‘.

It’s a funny old world.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

I don’t think of Kurt as ‚Kurt Cobain from Nirvana‘. I think of him as ‚Kurt‘. It’s something that comes back all the time. Almost every day.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.