That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

The men who have succeeded are men who have chosen one line and stuck to it.

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.

My show ‚The Big House‘ was picked up; they flew me to New York. I’m about to step on stage to announce Kevin Hart’s ‚The Big House.‘ And a hand grabs my shoulder, ‚Kevin no, they just decided to cancel it.‘ It’s a serious smack-in-the-face business, and either you can take it, or you can’t.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

If you’re too big to fit into fashion, then you just have to do your own fashion.

With Kansas, I had a four-year deal. The initial two months were real tough. I had to adjust a lot. Then, things started looking up.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I am sure there’s going to be times when I do things wrong that no one’s going to like and everyone’s going to think I’m terrible and rubbish but I know I’m going to go through those times, and it’s just about understanding that that’s going to happen.

Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.

I don’t like looking back. I’m always constantly looking forward. I’m not the one to sort of sit and cry over spilt milk. I’m too busy looking for the next cow.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

Wit is educated insolence.

Obstinacy is the result of the will forcing itself into the place of the intellect.

I allow myself to fail. I allow myself to break. I’m not afraid of my flaws.

I’m easy to look like, so there are lots and lots of Dolly look-alikes.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they’ve got a second.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

It’s in the difficult times that we’re growing and you can’t just rebuke everything hard. We’ve got to endure it and fight the good fight of faith and pass the test.

My faith was tested like Job. That’s the message I try to tell other people: just because you believe in God, serve God, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, people gotta realize, it don’t mean things not gonna happen to you.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‚I’m possible‘!

I’ve written some great things. That’s a gift, but there’s consequences. Yeah, you get this great work, but you suffer. You really, really suffer.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Nothing stops the man who desires to achieve. Every obstacle is simply a course to develop his achievement muscle. It’s a strengthening of his powers of accomplishment.

The space shuttle was often used as an example of why you shouldn’t even attempt to make something reusable. But one failed experiment does not invalidate the greater goal. If that was the case, we’d never have had the light bulb.

Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.

Failure at some point in your life is inevitable, but giving up is unforgivable.

Fashion is very important. It is life-enhancing and, like everything that gives pleasure, it is worth doing well.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Obviously black matches with everything.

Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible for anyone to accomplish.

The only way of catching a train I have ever discovered is to miss the train before.

A lot of the reason my look is the way it is, is because it’s really easy to put on a sundress every night if I have to perform – or just wear jeans every day and a flannel or something.

Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I exhort you also to take part in the great combat, which is the combat of life, and greater than every other earthly conflict.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I’m always trying. Between every book, I think, ‚Well now, it’s time to get down to the serious stuff.‘

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I think a big test we all face in life on a regular basis is that discouragement test. Life’s not always fair, but I believe if you keep doing the right thing, God will get you to where you are.

To succeed in your mission, you must have single-minded devotion to your goal.

No sooner said than done – so acts your man of worth.

My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them.

Look at a book. A book is the right size to be a book. They’re solar-powered. If you drop them, they keep on being a book. You can find your place in microseconds. Books are really good at being books, and no matter what happens, books will survive.

I am only an average man but, by George, I work harder at it than the average man.

We cannot attribute to fortune or virtue that which is achieved without either.

Genius always gives its best at first; prudence, at last.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

I will be conquered; I will not capitulate.