Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I absolutely want to have a career where you make’em laugh and make’em cry. It’s all theater.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I guess any movie actor can become a role model for audiences out there who enjoy him.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

I saw MotoGP on TV first, before I saw F1 and other types of car racing. It’s what I got more into. It was cool, there was good, exciting racing.

People don’t want drama 365 days a year. I’m a sense of relief; it’s my job to take your mind off what’s bad for that brief second you’re in the room with me, regardless of shape, race, colour or anything. It brings people together, and it makes me feel good about what I’m doing.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Are we simply waving farewell to the days when some of the most interesting thinking in Europe and America came to us from our fiction film-makers? BBC2, which once introduced and showed great films, now shows none.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.

Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.

My shows are not narratives.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

One of the things you’re doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Politics is applesauce.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

And I love a scary movie. It makes your toes curl and it’s not you going through it.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.