Stand-up is my baby.

Sometimes in the past when I played something might make me lose focus, or I would go home after a game where I thought I could have played better and I would let it hang over my head for a long time when it shouldn’t.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I sent out a tweet, ‚Dancing with the Stars‘ should stop the jibber jabber. They shouldn’t make the departure of a dancer so tear jerky because nobody’s going to war.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

I enjoy singing my songs in front of people.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I love Steve Carell.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

One of the things you’re doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

I’m a showgirl, as you can tell. I’m ever ready.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Films and television and even comic books are churning out vast quantities of fictional narratives, and the public continues to swallow them up with great passion. That is because human beings need stories.

I like entertaining people. I really miss it.

Writers and books are cheap dates, especially when you compare the cost of a book with a ticket to the opera – or an NHL game.

Anybody that doesn’t like Cardi B a hater!

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I’m not really an actor, I’m a reactor; I’m a pitchman. That’s what I do best. Nobody can do it any better.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I make pop culture.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

Movies can and do have tremendous influence in shaping young lives in the realm of entertainment towards the ideals and objectives of normal adulthood.

Politics is applesauce.

Why, except as a means of livelihood, a man should desire to act on the stage when he has the whole world to act in, is not clear to me.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I like Cardi B!

TV’s a big deal in prison. A big deal. People watch it nonstop.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

I’ve done a great job at being universal in my stand-up, which is why, for ‚Let Me Explain,‘ I toured all over the world. These movies I have coming out – ‚Ride Along,‘ ‚Grudge Match,‘ ‚About Last Night,‘ ‚Think Like a Man Too‘ – are putting me in a position to become universal on an even bigger scale.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

Seeing a live Kenny Chesney show, you know what you’re going to get. You know it’s going to be an all-day party.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I’d get so panicked that I would stutter.

I do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I won’t be satisfied until people want to hear me sing without looking at me. Of course, that doesn’t mean I want them to stop looking.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Everybody is entertained to death.