Stand-up is hard.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I do love the films I’ve done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we’re trying to make people laugh and I’m very proud of that.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

Nothing is so intolerable to man as being fully at rest, without a passion, without business, without entertainment, without care.

Bullfighting is the only art in which the artist is in danger of death and in which the degree of brilliance in the performance is left to the fighter’s honor.

Lots of people who complained about us receiving the MBE received theirs for heroism in the war – for killing people. We received ours for entertaining other people. I’d say we deserve ours more.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

It’s simple: You get a part. You play a part. You play it well. You do your work and you go home. And what is wonderful about movies is that once they’re done, they belong to the people. Once you make it, it’s what they see. That’s where my head is at.

I love music, and after my first experience with movies, I can’t wait to do more.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I’ve got a great sense of humor, and if I’m able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that’s hugely flattering.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

I get really motivated when I put on the India jersey. It is a responsibility, so I want to perform in the best way I can.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I am a giant proponent of giant screens. But I accept the fact that most of my movies are going to be seen on phones.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

I like entertaining people. I really miss it.

How you played in yesterday’s game is all that counts.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Acting is happy agony.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

There is no doubt that some plant food, such as oatmeal, is more economical than meat, and superior to it in regard to both mechanical and mental performance. Such food, moreover, taxes our digestive organs decidedly less, and, in making us more contented and sociable, produces an amount of good difficult to estimate.

I’m really happy and had such an amazing time performing at Super Bowl – wish I could relive it all over again.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

In case you’re wondering whether I lip synch, the answer is no… people think so because I sound so good.

I need to do well and show I’m a worthy driver in F1.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Football games are on TV, and it doesn’t affect stadium attendance at all. It’s the same with movies. People who really love movies and like to go out on a Saturday night will go to the movie theater.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

At the end of the day, I want to be part of the same conversation as Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

The art of acting is not to act. Once you show them more, what you show them, in fact is bad acting.

I knew early on that I wanted to entertain in some form. And I knew I would work as hard as anyone to do it.