Stand-up is hard.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

‚The Simpsons‘ appearances were great fun. But I don’t take them too seriously. I think ‚The Simpsons‘ have treated my disability responsibly.

The most watched programme on the BBC, after the news, is probably ‚Doctor Who.‘ What has happened is that science fiction has been subsumed into modern literature. There are grandparents out there who speak Klingon, who are quite capable of holding down a job. No one would think twice now about a parallel universe.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Everybody is entertained to death.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

I do love the films I’ve done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we’re trying to make people laugh and I’m very proud of that.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I like Cardi B!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

You entertain people who are satisfied. Hungry people can’t be entertained – or people who are afraid. You can’t entertain a man who has no food.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

But I did ‚Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.‘ They made a cereal out of it, so once you’ve had a cereal, it doesn’t get much more surreal than that. Surreal cereal.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I think I have always had a little humor.

I’m really happy and had such an amazing time performing at Super Bowl – wish I could relive it all over again.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

What a blast it is to be here with Michael Moore.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

There are some singers that know exactly when to go, and others hang on much too long and that is the same, that is the same with judges.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I love performing, you know, because, like I say, I’m a ham for this stuff.

I can remember earning £5,000 a game playing for Hibs at the end of the Seventies. They let me commute from London, train on the Friday and play on Saturday. That lasted until my friends at the Inland Revenue decided to take two-thirds. That wasn’t very entertaining for me.

Wit is educated insolence.

I take a lot of pride in the work I do, because people pay to see me. They’ve got to get babysitters, park their car, get popcorn and candy. I’ve got to be conscious of that.

If you watch any good player, they’re using different parts of their body and working with instruments that respond to those movements. They’re moving in many dimensions at once.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I was acting when I was playing baseball.

My show ‚The Big House‘ was picked up; they flew me to New York. I’m about to step on stage to announce Kevin Hart’s ‚The Big House.‘ And a hand grabs my shoulder, ‚Kevin no, they just decided to cancel it.‘ It’s a serious smack-in-the-face business, and either you can take it, or you can’t.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Dancing in high heels is kind of tough. I learn the dances without the heels, and then we add them. We just practice, and I get used to it. My feet hurt really badly at the end of the shows, but it’s fun. While it’s happening it’s fun. I feel tall.

I love Steve Carell.

Bullfighting is the only art in which the artist is in danger of death and in which the degree of brilliance in the performance is left to the fighter’s honor.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I work hard for the audience. It’s entertainment. I don’t need validation.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

Whatever I am, it’s natural… I don’t have to pretend to be aggressive, don’t have to show the opposition that I am on the field. Being aggressive comes naturally to me, helps me perform.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

There are folks who now know black families – like the Johnsons on ‚Black-ish‘ or the folks on ‚Modern Family.‘ They become part of who you are. You share their pains. You understand their fears. They make you laugh, and they change how you see the world.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

I think one of my pursuits over the years is trying to answer the question of, ‚What else can you do with a voice other than stand in front of a microphone and sing?‘