Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

Do not rebuke mockers, or they will hate you; rebuke the wise, and they will love you.

Aristotle could have avoided the mistake of thinking that women have fewer teeth than men, by the simple device of asking Mrs. Aristotle to keep her mouth open while he counted.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Acquaintances we meet, enjoy, and can easily leave behind; but friendship grows deep roots.

Some are reputed sick and some are not. It often happens that the sicker man is the nurse to the sounder.

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

The fact is that people are good, Give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior.

‚The Story of Us‘ is about running into someone I had been in a relationship with at an awards show, and we were seated a few seats away from each other. I just wanted to say to him, ‚Is this killing you? Because it’s killing me.‘ But I didn’t. Because I couldn’t. Because we both had these silent shields up.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

The drama and the trauma of the relationship you have when you’re 16 can mirror the one you have when you’re 26. Life repeats itself.

Violent men have not been known in history to die to a man. They die up to a point.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.

All mankind love a lover.

Women have a certain sexuality, and I think their bodies are beautiful, and I’m not embarrassed to explore that in a film. But there are things you get offered that are vulgar and violent – just like there’s a side of me that’s vulgar and violent.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.

The big divide in this country is not between Democrats and Republicans, or women and men, but between talkers and doers.

Society does not consist of individuals but expresses the sum of interrelations, the relations within which these individuals stand.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I was married a few times, and one of my husbands was jealous of me writing.

I think daughters can change the perception of their fathers.

My mother did not like children.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world.

Love is about mutual respect, apart from attraction.

The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

A letdown is worth a few songs. A heartbreak is worth a few albums.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

There is a sort of jealousy which needs very little fire; it is hardly a passion, but a blight bred in the cloudy, damp despondency of uneasy egoism.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

When I found somebody who I fell in love with, it made me feel different than I felt the rest of the day. It was electrifying. That’s what inspired the ‚Off to the Races‘ melodies. That’s one of the times when you’re feeling electrified by someone else and they make you happy to be alive.

Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in excellence; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good in themselves.

Sometimes you can’t prioritise family and you feel guilty.

Marriage is the death of hope.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.

Flattery corrupts both the receiver and the giver.

You can draw inspiration from anything. If you’re a good storyteller, you can take a dirty look somebody gives you, or if a guy you used to have flirtations with starts dating a new girl, or somebody you’re casually talking to says something that makes you so mad – you can create an entire scenario around that.

For many men, the acquisition of wealth does not end their troubles, it only changes them.

The deep, personal material of the latter half of your life is your children. You can write about your parents when they’re gone, but your children are still going to be here, and you’re going to want them to come and visit you in the nursing home.

Life’s too short to hang out with people who aren’t resourceful.

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.