Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher has not already said it.

A lie cannot live.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Here is the rule to remember in the future, When anything tempts you to be bitter: not, ‚This is a misfortune‘ but ‚To bear this worthily is good fortune.‘

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Politics is applesauce.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

That is never too often repeated, which is never sufficiently learned.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

One today is worth two tomorrows.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.