Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Tomorrow is nothing, today is too late; the good lived yesterday.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‚to do‘ list.

I don’t have time to be lonely. And I get fearful of relationships because I feel guilty about wanting someone to be completely faithful and loyal, when I can’t even give them 10 percent of the attention that they need. It’s just the reality of my time, my life, my schedule.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I’ve actually not read any books on time management.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Life is not long, and too much of it must not pass in idle deliberation how it shall be spent.

People with clear, written goals, accomplish far more in a shorter period of time than people without them could ever imagine.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Better never than late.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made up of.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Just on a practical side, if you wake up early in the morning – like at 4:30 in the morning – you’re going to have some free time to yourself to make things happen, to take care of things that are important to you.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking‘, but I don’t have that much time.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

Money and time are the heaviest burdens of life, and… the unhappiest of all mortals are those who have more of either than they know how to use.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Discipline starts every day when the first alarm clock goes off in the morning. I say ‚first alarm clock‘ because I have three, as I was taught by one of the most feared and respected instructors in SEAL training: one electric, one battery powered, one windup.

I have so much that I want to do. I hate wasting time.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Your greatest asset is your earning ability. Your greatest resource is your time.

Try and leave this world a little better than you found it, and when your turn comes to die, you can die happy in feeling that at any rate, you have not wasted your time but have done your best.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

The sum of wisdom is that time is never lost that is devoted to work.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I’ve never been a hands-on dad. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but you can’t run a restaurant and be home for tea at 4:30 and bath and change nappies.

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I’m just a kid – I’ve got a lot of stuff to do yet.

My problem was my inability to spend much time at home. I thought my family was secure, so I went running around everyplace else. I guess I had more of an effect on other people’s kids than I did my own.

That’s one of the biggest things. Never being home, always traveling, having different interests and focusing on different things, just the time aspect of going back home and seeing them, you don’t have that at all. It was a big sacrifice but, at the end of the day, it was worth it.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

The thing most people don’t pick up when they become an entrepreneur is that it never ends. It’s 24/7.