Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.

If the tongue had not been framed for articulation, man would still be a beast in the forest.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood.

I’ve always wanted male friends that I could be real intimate with and talk about important things with and be as affectionate with that person as I would be with a girl.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

You don’t tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Tell them to send everything that can fly.

My readers – and I get 400 emails for a day, my readers normally they say, well, you understand me, and I answer, you do understand me also. We are in the same level.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

I don’t say very much I don’t really think through. I know that sounds inconsistent with Joe Biden.

He who knows how to flatter also knows how to slander.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

When it comes to gossip, I have to readily admit men are as guilty as women.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Well, the thing that I learned as a diplomat is that human relations ultimately make a huge difference.

If you want to know your true opinion of someone, watch the effect produced in you by the first sight of a letter from him.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Mind your speech a little lest you should mar your fortunes.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

Without words, without writing and without books there would be no history, there could be no concept of humanity.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

I don’t do Shakespeare. I don’t talk in that kind of broken English.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‚Nice doggie‘ until you can find a rock.

If I’m in a political argument, I think I can, with reasonable accuracy and without boasting, put the other person’s side of the case at least as well as they could. One has to be able to say that in any well-conducted argument.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

It’s pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

I loved writing for kids, I loved talking to children about what I’d written, I don’t want to leave that behind.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

I guess every single word I’ve ever said is going to be dissected now.

Words are loaded pistols.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.