So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

When you have a conflict, that means that there are truths that have to be addressed on each side of the conflict. And when you have a conflict, then it’s an educational process to try to resolve the conflict. And to resolve that, you have to get people on both sides of the conflict involved so that they can dialogue.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I can unload my opinion on anybody at anytime.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Usually, when Nirvana made music, there wasn’t a lot of conversation. We wanted everything to be surreal. We didn’t want to have some contrived composition.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

A man never tells you anything until you contradict him.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I hate talking about music, to tell you the truth.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

I could talk all day, T stands for talking, T stands for tender, T stands for things that don’t even rhyme with T.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

There is one way to have a short but exciting conversation with me, and that is to move too slow.