So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I think I have always had a little humor.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

The best way to resolve any problem in the human world is for all sides to sit down and talk.

In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change.

Stand-up is hard.

Usually, when Nirvana made music, there wasn’t a lot of conversation. We wanted everything to be surreal. We didn’t want to have some contrived composition.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song.

A man never tells you anything until you contradict him.

I miss people. I miss going anywhere and meeting a random person and saying ‚Hi‘ and having a conversation about life. I love people.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

Take my wife… Please!

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

I hate to be smart.

Dinner was made for eating, not for talking.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Democracy is a daring concept – a hope that we’ll be best governed if all of us participate in the act of government. It is meant to be a conversation, a place where the intelligence and local knowledge of the electorate sums together to arrive at actions that reflect the participation of the largest possible number of people.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.