Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I understand that being able to appeal to the public and having an amazing sense of humour is not something that comes easy. It’s definitely a gift and for which I’m thankful.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

Wit is educated insolence.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Great American sport. Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I mean, families are weird.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I had a good time boxing. I enjoyed it – and I may come back.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

I’m pretty laid-back in real life. I just love hanging with my friends and making jokes. The jokes don’t stop – literally, all day.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s really fun to put yourself into a character – into shoes you wouldn’t normally be in.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

It just seems there’s better things to do in your life than be on television if it’s not interesting, if it’s not challenging, if it’s not fun. You know? When it stops being those things for me, I’ll stop making television.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.