Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I don’t spend too much time on my phone, laptop or television. However, I do occasionally watch documentaries and shows on streaming platforms.

Stand-up is hard.

I love performing, you know, because, like I say, I’m a ham for this stuff.

To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.

I think maybe people see bands and musicians as some sort of superhero unrealistic sport that happens in another dimension where it’s not real people and not real emotions. So, I grew up listening to Beatles records on my floor. That’s how I learned how to play guitar. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be a musician.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

I don’t want people at my shows to come out and say, ‚I just saw a cool show.‘ I want them to say, ‚I had fun at the show.‘ I want it to be a collaborative thing and be part of the audience and have them be part of me. I try to interact with everyone there and have them be equal to me because they are.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

But I did ‚Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.‘ They made a cereal out of it, so once you’ve had a cereal, it doesn’t get much more surreal than that. Surreal cereal.

I make pop culture.

I work hard for the audience. It’s entertainment. I don’t need validation.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Stand-up is my baby.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

It’s really fun to be on stage in front of people.

The PC has improved the world in just about every area you can think of. Amazing developments in communications, collaboration and efficiencies. New kinds of entertainment and social media. Access to information and the ability to give a voice people who would never have been heard.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

My music is a luxury.

My goal was never to be the loudest or the craziest. It was to be the most entertaining.

On a good night, I get underwear, bras, and hotel-room keys thrown onstage… You start to think that you’re Tom Jones.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

In ‚Changeling,‘ I tried to show something you’d never see nowadays – a kid sitting and looking at the radio. Just sitting in front of the radio and listening. Your mind does the rest.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Comedy Central was a great network, but ‚Chappelle’s Show‘ took it to a completely different level. Other shows got bigger because so many viewers were watching the ‚Chappelle‘ reruns. For BET, the ‚Real Husbands of Hollywood‘ has that same potential.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

When I was five I think, that’s when I started wanting to be an actress.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Laughter is one of the very privileges of reason, being confined to the human species.