Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

To announce that there must be no criticism of the president… is morally treasonable to the American public.

No rapper in the world from Jay-Z to Tupac to Biggie has 100 percent love on everything they do.

It is not possible to eat me without insisting that I sing praises of my devourer?

I like criticism. It makes you strong.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

Unless a reviewer has the courage to give you unqualified praise, I say ignore the bastard.

In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me.

Politics is applesauce.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

‚Classic.‘ A book which people praise and don’t read.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

I will praise any man that will praise me.

From my close observation of writers… they fall into two groups: 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

For people who may think they know, or have snippets of who I am, you can attack that person. That’s part of being a public figure.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

No accurate thinker will judge another person by that which the other person’s enemies say about him.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

The secret to humor is surprise.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

People who don’t like my work say that the connections seem too arbitrary. But that’s how life is.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Burroughs is crap. Crap.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

The French complain of everything, and always.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Extremely religious, legalistic people have a criticism or judgment about everyone and everything. They just have a way of bringing people down with what they say.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Humor is reason gone mad.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘