Politics is applesauce.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Locally, I’ll vote one way and nationally, maybe another.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

History shows that, more often than not, loss of sovereignty leads to liberalisation imposed in the interests of the powerful.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

One of the most pervasive political visions of our time is the vision of liberals as compassionate and conservatives as less caring.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

It’s a funny old world.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Americans… still believe in an America where anything’s possible – they just don’t think their leaders do.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I don’t think generally politician come from democratic country. I think not that thinking. But sometimes little bit short-sighted. They are mainly looking for their next vote.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Kings will be tyrants from policy, when subjects are rebels from principle.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I think our democracy has it exactly right: two terms, eight years. It’s enough. Because it’s important to have one foot in reality when you have access to this kind of power.

Liberals are not always so liberal with people who disapprove – disapprove of their point of view.

You think the world was shocked when Nixon resigned? Wait till I whup George Foreman’s behind.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

If people continue to feel like Democrats are looking after poor folks and Republicans are looking after rich folks and nobody is looking after me, then we don’t get a lot of stuff done. And the trend lines evidence the fact that folks have gotten squeezed. And obviously, 2007, 2008 really ripped open for people how vulnerable they were.

What Washington needs is adult supervision.

Obviously, I’m no fan of the radical left.

I love being able to be political without any political affiliation.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

Politicians must set their aims for the high ground and according to our various leanings, Democratic, Republican, Independent, we will follow. Politicians must be told if they continue to sink into the mud of obscenity, they will proceed alone.

Politics is a noble activity. We should revalue it, practise it with vocation and a dedication that requires testimony, martyrdom, that is to die for the common good.

Take my wife… Please!

All government, of course, is against liberty.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I took the Canal Zone and let Congress debate; and while the debate goes on, the canal does also.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

There are some members of the House leadership whose only mission in life is to demonize the president.

I believe we can continue the Great Society while we fight in Vietnam.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Before I became a chief minister, I never thought that one day I’d be the chief minister.

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Senator McCain is Israel’s most unconditional ally in Mossad’s machinations, something that even his worst adversaries would have been able to imagine. McCain participated alongside this secret service in the creation of the Islamic State, which has appropriated a considerable part of Iraq as well as a third of Syria, according to its affirmations.

All the political angst and moral melodrama about getting ‚the rich‘ to pay ‚their fair share‘ is part of a big charade. This is not about economics, it is about politics.

In politics, as in religion, it is equally absurd to aim at making proselytes by fire and sword. Heresies in either can rarely be cured by persecution.

I do not believe we will have a war with Iran.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Regimes planted by bayonets do not take root.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

Stand-up is hard.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.