Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

The French complain of everything, and always.

The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil.

The generality of men are naturally apt to be swayed by fear rather than reverence, and to refrain from evil rather because of the punishment that it brings than because of its own foulness.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

No one knows whether death, which people fear to be the greatest evil, may not be the greatest good.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I heard a definition once: Happiness is health and a short memory! I wish I’d invented it, because it is very true.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

No man is justified in doing evil on the ground of expedience.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

People really had a problem with my disinterest in submission. They had a problem with my intellect, and they had a problem with my choice of lovers. They had a problem with my choice of everything.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I want to go when I want. It is tasteless to prolong life artificially. I have done my share; it is time to go. I will do it elegantly.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

Between stimulus and response, there is a space where we choose our response.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

Sadly, of course, there is real evil in the world. You watch the news, and you see all of the people suffering and so much cruelty.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

A people free to choose will always choose peace.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Free will carried many a soul to hell, but never a soul to heaven.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

Virtue cannot separate itself from reality without becoming a principle of evil.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.