People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Whatever one of us blames in another, each one will find in his own heart.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known.

My crown is called content, a crown that seldom kings enjoy.

When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, ‚Oh yes – I already have everything that I really need.‘

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

I am 100 per cent Virgo, stubborn, over-organised, slightly abstracted from the rest of the world.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.

With fame, you know, you can read about yourself, somebody else’s ideas about you, but what’s important is how you feel about yourself – for survival and living day to day with what comes up.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

Unlike some politicians, I can admit to a mistake.

I’m honest enough to say I don’t know everything. You know, I don’t. I don’t understand all of God. I don’t understand, you know, some kind of why bad things happen.

For me, time is the greatest mystery of all. The fact is that we’re dreaming all the time. That’s what really gets me. We have a fathomless lake of unconsciousness just beneath our skulls.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I think what’s important is for us to decipher what is honest and what is dishonest and be accepting of those things and not operating from fear.

Don’t ever forget two things I’m going to tell you. One, don’t believe everything that’s written about you. Two, don’t pick up too many checks.

I do suffer from depression, I suppose. Which isn’t that unusual. You know, a lot of people do.

I think I’ve developed, as many people do, this sense of, ‚Don’t say the wrong thing, or else people will point at you and laugh.‘

The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.

The greatest pride, or the greatest despondency, is the greatest ignorance of one’s self.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth to see it like it is, and tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth.

If small things have the power to disturb you, then who you think you are is exactly that: small.

If something can corrupt you, you’re corrupted already.

Fear is the thought of admitted inferiority.

I never desired to please the rabble. What pleased them, I did not learn; and what I knew was far removed from their understanding.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

If I went back to my 20-year-old self, what I would tell my 20-year-old self is, ‚You don’t know anything.‘ Because everyone, when they’re young, they think they know what’s going on in the world, and you don’t.

My weak spot is laziness. Oh, I have a lot of weak spots: cookies, croissants.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

One might say that our words are a movie screen that reveals what we have been thinking and the attitudes we have.

The paradox of education is precisely this – that as one begins to become conscious one begins to examine the society in which he is being educated.

There are so many emotions that you’re feeling, you can get stifled by them if you’re feeling them all at once. What I try to do is take one moment – one simple, simple feeling – and expand it into three-and-a-half minutes.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live.

There is nothing so terrible as activity without insight.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Everyone who wills can hear the inner voice. It is within everyone.

It is the superfluous things for which men sweat, – superfluous things that wear our togas theadbare, that force us to grow old in camp, that dash us upon foreign shores.

You can tell alot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Success is always dangerous, and we need to be alert and avoid becoming the victims of our own success. Will we influence the world for Christ, or will the world influence us?

You use a glass mirror to see your face; you use works of art to see your soul.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

I mean, families are weird.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

If you desire to be good, begin by believing that you are wicked.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.