Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

A friend is nothing but a known enemy.

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.

Truthful words are not beautiful; beautiful words are not truthful. Good words are not persuasive; persuasive words are not good.

When you think about it, three of our biggest financial decisions in life are made at times of peak emotional excitement: deciding to get married, buying a home, and having kids.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Action may not bring happiness but there is no happiness without action.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.

In the real world, children love me.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say ‚infinitely‘ when you mean ‚very‘; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

There is no private house in which people can enjoy themselves so well as at a capital tavern… No, Sir; there is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn.

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

It’s tough to negotiate from a position of weakness.

Religion was instituted to make us happy in this life and in the other. What must we do to be happy in the life to come? Be just.

One great use of words is to hide our thoughts.

Mirth is like a flash of lightning, that breaks through a gloom of clouds, and glitters for a moment; cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind, and fills it with a steady and perpetual serenity.

There is a huge need and a huge opportunity to get everyone in the world connected, to give everyone a voice and to help transform society for the future. The scale of the technology and infrastructure that must be built is unprecedented, and we believe this is the most important problem we can focus on.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Friendship is essentially a partnership.

Absolutely not. I have no problem with commitment. In fact, I love having someone in my life.

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind.

Love is not consolation. It is light.

There are few things that we so unwillingly give up, even in advanced age, as the supposition that we still have the power of ingratiating ourselves with the fair sex.

Foreign policy is like human relations, only people know less about each other.

When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that’s when I think life is over.

I joyfully hasten to meet death. If it come before I have had opportunity to develop all my artistic faculties, it will come, my hard fate notwithstanding, too soon, and I should probably wish it later – yet even then I shall be happy, for will it not deliver me from a state of endless suffering?

The public doesn’t mind people living together without being married, providing they don’t overdo it.

Children wish fathers looked but with their eyes; fathers that children with their judgment looked; and either may be wrong.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

A man does not know what he is saying until he knows what he is not saying.

I’m modern because I make the difficult seem easy, and so I can communicate with the whole world.

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

If one plays good music, people don’t listen and if one plays bad music people don’t talk.

Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

When people need love and understanding and support the most is when they deserve it the least.

We write for the same reason that we walk, talk, climb mountains or swim the oceans – because we can. We have some impulse within us that makes us want to explain ourselves to other human beings. That’s why we paint, that’s why we dare to love someone – because we have the impulse to explain who we are.

It’s considered acceptable in our culture to approach perfect strangers, as often or not who may be in extremis, and evangelise. I don’t see why that’s considered a normal thing.

I want to let you in on a little secret: I don’t always feel like I’m a success. That’s right. There are plenty of times when I feel like I’ve just totally messed up and failed to connect with the people I’m trying to communicate with.

When we launched a new company, I reviewed the ads and marketing materials and asked those presenting the campaign to read everything aloud to test the phrasing and concept. If I could grasp it quickly, then it passed with muster. We would get our message across only if it was understandable at first glance.

We don’t laugh because we’re happy – we’re happy because we laugh.

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Resolve not to be poor: whatever you have, spend less. Poverty is a great enemy to human happiness; it certainly destroys liberty, and it makes some virtues impracticable, and others extremely difficult.

The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

I am very happy playing and showing off my talent on the cricket field and have no plans to enter Bollywood.

I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

Friendship increases in visiting friends, but in visiting them seldom.

As a vulnerability researcher, the greatest barrier I see is our low tolerance for vulnerability. We’re almost afraid to be happy. We feel like it’s inviting disaster.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Back, you know, a few generations ago, people didn’t have a way to share information and express their opinions efficiently to a lot of people. But now they do. Right now, with social networks and other tools on the Internet, all of these 500 million people have a way to say what they’re thinking and have their voice be heard.

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.