Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Take my wife… Please!

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

The secret to humor is surprise.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I hate talking about music, to tell you the truth.

I have always hated bowling, and I don’t mind admitting it.

People who can’t be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

Hatred is active, and envy passive dislike; there is but one step from envy to hate.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Really, I don’t like roller coasters.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I never eat salad. I make sure I don’t put a lot of junk into my system, but I hate vegetables!

Stand-up is hard.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.