Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

A specter is haunting Europe – the specter of communism.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Mankind, when left to themselves, are unfit for their own government.

If… many influential people have failed to understand, or have just forgotten, what we were up against in the Cold War and how we overcame it, they are not going to be capable of securing, let alone enlarging, the gains that liberty has made.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.

Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

In our age there is no such thing as ‚keeping out of politics.‘ All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

My life is not unlike Truman’s. I can’t go anywhere.

I know that campaigns can seem small, and even silly. Trivial things become big distractions. Serious issues become sound bites. And the truth gets buried under an avalanche of money and advertising. If you’re sick of hearing me approve this message, believe me – so am I.

I supported Donald Trump.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

Trump just looks stupid trying to appeal to blacks and Latinos.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I have found far greater enthusiasm for science in America than here in Britain. There is more enthusiasm for everything in America.

How can a president not be an actor?

We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing.

It disturbs me no more to find men base, unjust, or selfish than to see apes mischievous, wolves savage, or the vulture ravenous.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you’d been the only man in the world.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Magnanimity in politics is not seldom the truest wisdom; and a great empire and little minds go ill together.

There was a stool there, and some fella kept asking me if I wanted to sit down. When I saw the stool sitting there, it gave me the idea. I’ll just put the stool out there and I’ll talk to Mr. Obama and ask him why he didn’t keep all of the promises he made to everybody.

You cannot mix sports with politics.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Every President wants to do right.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.

All ideologies are idiotic, whether religious or political, for it is conceptual thinking, the conceptual word, which has so unfortunately divided man.

One of the roles of the Presidency is to lead a political party. Having a President in office is usually a huge advantage to a party because it gives the party a mouthpiece and an advocate at the highest level.

One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex.

Wit is educated insolence.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Everybody has a little bit of Watergate in him.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Earth might one day soon resemble the planet Venus.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

And I think it’s that time. And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over. You can maybe still use a plane. Though maybe a smaller one. Not that big gas guzzler you are going around to colleges and talking about student loans and stuff like that.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I just didn’t want to get out there anymore; I didn’t want to get back into what I call ‚the swamp.‘ And the other reason why is I don’t think it’s good for the presidency for a former president to be opining about his successor. President Obama’s got plenty of critics – and I’m just not gonna be one.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

It’s plain hokum. If you can’t convince ‚em, confuse ‚em. It’s an old political trick. But this time it won’t work.

Only the aspirants for president are fool enough to believe what they read in the newspapers.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.