Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

The use of travelling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I love Chris Brown. He’s a superstar. He’s one of the best singers out there.

I am a giant proponent of giant screens. But I accept the fact that most of my movies are going to be seen on phones.

Whoever does not regard what he has as most ample wealth, is unhappy, though he be master of the world.

My justification is that most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about what they’re going to do for the next five or ten years. The time they spend thinking about their life, I just spend drinking.

A truer image of the world, I think, is obtained by picturing things as entering into the stream of time from an eternal world outside, than from a view which regards time as the devouring tyrant of all that is.

If you would judge, understand.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

On a good night, I get underwear, bras, and hotel-room keys thrown onstage… You start to think that you’re Tom Jones.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

I think everyone should approach relationships from the perspective of playing it straight and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Until he establishes that this is a game. And if it’s a game, you need to win. The best thing to do is just walk away from the table.

You have to understand that people that are hurting are going to criticize.

I don’t have people following me around, like bodyguards. I don’t know how people live like that. Maybe the young movie stars have to live like that, I don’t know. But it seems a little crazy to me. I don’t think you need all that stuff.

Nothing feels better than going onstage and everybody is singing every word – and actually wanting to see you.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Players today moan about the number of games, but when you’re young, you can’t play enough.

If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.

The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.

Music was an experience, intimately married to your life. You could pay to hear music, but after you did, it was over, gone – a memory.

I think that all things, in their way, reflect heavenly truth, the imagination not least.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

It is better to have your head in the clouds, and know where you are… than to breathe the clearer atmosphere below them, and think that you are in paradise.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

We can come to look upon the deaths of our enemies with as much regret as we feel for those of our friends, namely, when we miss their existence as witnesses to our success.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn’t feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

Those who weep for the happy periods which they encounter in history acknowledge what they want; not the alleviation but the silencing of misery.

Music is part of the life of fashion, too.

Human beings need stories, and we’re looking for them in all kinds of places; whether it’s television, whether it’s comic books or movies, radio plays, whatever form, people are hungry for stories.

A lot of people in our industry haven’t had very diverse experiences. So they don’t have enough dots to connect, and they end up with very linear solutions without a broad perspective on the problem. The broader one’s understanding of the human experience, the better design we will have.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.

There is nothing, Sir, too little for so little a creature as man. It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery and as much happiness as possible.

Take my wife… Please!

I always was a rich person because money’s not related to happiness.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have hear below.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The infinitely little have a pride infinitely great.

You are the universe, you aren’t in the universe.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.