No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I don’t keep people around me that aren’t family. You don’t get to stay. Unless you’re eating at the table with us, you’re not part. We eat together, we cry together, we live together, we die together. Everything that we do is for each other, and we care for another.

There are plenty of people who are, I think, completely racist who love hip-hop.

I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Stand-up is my baby.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

It is not women’s liberation, it is women’s and men’s liberation.

I’m drawn to bad romances.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I’ve had no contact with my daughter for years. That’s her choice. Anyway, you move on. If people don’t want to bother with me, fine. You know, God bless them, and move on.

The chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it – and sometimes three.

Intimates are predestined.

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Consult your friend on all things, especially on those which respect yourself. His counsel may then be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgment.

Women don’t try to use me.

We can’t afford not to educate girls and give women the power and the access that they need.

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.

I don’t have to ‚freedom-kiss‘ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

There are few things that we so unwillingly give up, even in advanced age, as the supposition that we still have the power of ingratiating ourselves with the fair sex.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

Marriage is a school itself. Also, having children. Becoming a father changed my whole life. It taught me as if by revelation.

Reading, solitude, idleness, a soft and sedentary life, intercourse with women and young people, these are perilous paths for a young man, and these lead him constantly into danger.

Patience is key for getting over a breakup. That, and trailing off your interaction after the breakup.

I am not very good with relationships. With anyone. I can’t be locked up with anyone for too long.

I think we all change each other’s paths. I don’t know which law idea that is in physics, but I don’t think any of us can live without affecting one another.

Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back.

My wife has about everything I can think of.

A lot of the time when I write about the person that I love, I feel like I’m writing about New York.

If you would be loved, love, and be loveable.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

I think I have to trust that you end up with the person you’re supposed to end up with, and that everything in between is there to teach you stuff.

Women have served all these centuries as looking glasses possessing the power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

So live with men as if God saw you and speak to God, as if men heard you.

I always wanted to be loved.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

But I do not believe that the world would be entirely different if there were more women leaders. Maybe if everybody in leadership was a woman, you might not get into the conflicts in the first place. But if you watch the women who have made it to the top, they haven’t exactly been non-aggressive – including me.

Exaggeration is a blood relation to falsehood and nearly as blamable.

When I say I’m going to take care of a woman, I don’t just mean physically or sexually or romantically. I’m going to take care of her emotionally and spiritually. I’m going to take care of her in all ways. I take a lot of pride in that today.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Friendship, like credit, is highest when it is not used.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Men get to be a mixture of the charming mannerisms of the women they have known.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.