No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I’ve… been accused of being involved with every man I’m ever seen with or worked with. Maybe I have, maybe I ain’t. I never tell if I have.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

A woman can bring a new love to each man she loves, providing there are not too many.

I think, a lot of times when you meet someone, you feel like you need to appear like you’re not interested in them so that they’ll be more interested in you. But what happens when you start showing him that you actually like him? What’s he gonna do then? Play the tape forward; how do you keep a guy like that? I don’t want to sign up for that.

Feminism… I think the simplest explanation, and one that captures the idea, is a song that Marlo Thomas sang, ‚Free to be You and Me.‘

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.

I read so much stuff that black women say, especially about my relationship. ‚Oh, he left his black wife to go be with some exotic chick.‘ First of all, my girl is black: she’s Jamaican.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Have you not noticed that love is silence? It may be while holding the hand of another, or looking lovingly at a child, or taking in the beauty of an evening. Love has no past or future, and so it is with this extraordinary state of silence.

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

Reading, solitude, idleness, a soft and sedentary life, intercourse with women and young people, these are perilous paths for a young man, and these lead him constantly into danger.

A broken heart is a very pleasant complaint for a man in London if he has a comfortable income.

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

No woman in my time will be prime minister or chancellor or foreign secretary – not the top jobs. Anyway, I wouldn’t want to be prime minister; you have to give yourself 100 percent.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?

A chaplain’s assistant is customarily a figure of fun in the American Army.

When I graduated from law school in 1959, there wasn’t a single woman on any federal bench. It wouldn’t be a realistic ambition for a woman to want to become a federal judge. It wasn’t realistic until Jimmy Carter became our president.

There is a level of snobbery and fickleness in L.A.

The pace at which people are taking to digital technology defies our stereotypes of age, education, language and income.

For the woman, the man is a means: the end is always the child.

The relationship to one’s fellow man is the relationship of prayer, the relationship to oneself is the relationship of striving; it is from prayer that one draws the strength for one’s striving.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

Black people can be the most conservative, the most discriminating. Especially among ourselves. It wasn’t white people who said all black men have to wear baggy jeans.

I’m trying to show everybody that I’m a girl, and I’m five foot four, and you can do anything you want, no matter your gender. It’s your world, too!

I can’t deal with someone wanting to take a relationship backward or needing space or cheating on you.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

He that overvalues himself will undervalue others, and he that undervalues others will oppress them.

As far as I knew white women were never lonely, except in books. White men adored them, Black men desired them and Black women worked for them.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.

Aviation offered such fun as crossing the continent in planes large and small, trying the whirling rotors of an autogiro, making record flights. With these activities came opportunity to know women everywhere who shared my conviction that there is so much women can do in the modern world and should be permitted to do irrespective of their sex.

All the songs I write are about human dynamics, whether it’s with girlfriends, boyfriends, or family.

In each action we must look beyond the action at our past, present, and future state, and at others whom it affects, and see the relations of all those things. And then we shall be very cautious.

You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I would not like to be the only woman on the court.

You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn’t wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain’t got no manhood left anyway.

A family looks for ways to support and inspire one another.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I’m drawn to bad romances.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

I always wanted to be loved.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

There isn’t any formula or method. You learn to love by loving – by paying attention and doing what one thereby discovers has to be done.

In Germany, they all thought I was a bit mental, very emotional.