No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.

However great may be the work for which we are responsible, we will always do well if we pause to spend time in sacred praise.

It is very difficult to get people to focus on the most important things when you’re in boom times.

I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Did you know there’s a difference between being busy and being fruitful? Did you ever stop to think that just being busy – running around in circles all day but not accomplishing anything – is the same as wasting your time? It’s frustrating to expend so much energy and time and not have any fruit from your effort!

A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

When you have two busy kids running around the house, returning e-mails is a task, let alone surfing the web.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Take my wife… Please!

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

If you’re living in your time, you cannot help but to write about the things that are important.

Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

There is no more fatal blunderer than he who consumes the greater part of his life getting his living.

It takes me about two hours to run into Target. People always want a picture. They hem and haw, and they can’t spit the words out, so they waste about five minutes of my time just standing there getting ready for a picture. Just do it!

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Nothing extraordinary happens to a cricketer if you time his career – which is very short.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Hobbies are apt to run away with us, you know; it doesn’t do to be run away with. We must keep the reins.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Pleasure and action make the hours seem short.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Sometimes if you got a problem deep rooted in your life, it takes a little bit of time to overcome it in that area.

It is even better to act quickly and err than to hesitate until the time of action is past.

A lot of times, people have something that they’re afraid of. They’ve got a client that’s mad at them. They’ve got a project that’s due. And they let that stress hang over their head. I don’t let that happen.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking‘, but I don’t have that much time.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I realize I don’t do a very good job in keeping up to date, but I try to.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

I have so much that I want to do. I hate wasting time.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Short cuts make long delays.