Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Justice consists in doing no injury to men; decency in giving them no offense.

Love is the attempt to form a friendship inspired by beauty.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life. Often I don’t know what I do, then the next day the memory returns. And then I am engulfed in shame.

For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.

You can close more business in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

We need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion. This isn’t a matter of political correctness. It’s a matter of understanding what makes us strong. The world respects us not just for our arsenal; it respects us for our diversity and our openness and the way we respect every faith.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

I’m just a friendly person; that runs in my family.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I don’t like people going behind my back.

There is no such thing as society: there are individual men and women, and there are families.

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.

I always wanted to be a father and thought it would be great, but it just took the right woman and the right time to make it all happen.

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

If I think too hard about a relationship, I’ll talk myself out of it.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.

It is right to give every man his due.

There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

When I was a youngster I lived with different families. I nearly always felt closer to the man of the house. Maybe because I always dreamed of having a father of my own.

Some people are jerks, and some people aren’t.

Let your heart feel for the afflictions and distress of everyone, and let your hand give in proportion to your purse.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Well, I have great respect for Senator Hirono.

I like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more.

I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.

Children wish fathers looked but with their eyes; fathers that children with their judgment looked; and either may be wrong.

For how many things, which for our own sake we should never do, do we perform for the sake of our friends.

It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honoured by the humiliation of their fellow beings.

To love someone means to see him as God intended him.

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

God tells us not to judge one another, no matter what anyone’s sexual preferences are or if they’re black, brown or purple.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

You’re unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

No one loves the man whom he fears.

If you burn your neighbors house down, it doesn’t make your house look any better.

Stand-up is my baby.

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything.

Marriage is the most wonderful thing ever.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

With all due respect, I am against dumb.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

It’s very important to know the neighbor next door and the people down the street and the people in another race.

I die adoring God, loving my friends, not hating my enemies, and detesting superstition.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.