Never accept a drink from a urologist.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

No one can give you better advice than yourself.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‚I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.‘

The time to take counsel of your fears is before you make an important battle decision. That’s the time to listen to every fear you can imagine! When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead!

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

He that hath knowledge spareth his words.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

Don’t try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie. Study computers instead.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

No one wants advice – only corroboration.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

General consultant to mankind.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

All of my friends who have younger siblings who are going to college or high school – my number one piece of advice is: You should learn how to program.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Whenever I counsel someone who feels called to be an evangelist, I always urge them to guard their time and not feel like they have to do everything.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

He that sows thorns should never go barefoot.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

When befriended, remember it; when you befriend, forget it.