MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I think, a lot of times when you meet someone, you feel like you need to appear like you’re not interested in them so that they’ll be more interested in you. But what happens when you start showing him that you actually like him? What’s he gonna do then? Play the tape forward; how do you keep a guy like that? I don’t want to sign up for that.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Never marry someone in hope that they’ll change later.

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

My fans saw me get engaged, saw me make that woman my wife, me having kids, me divorcing, me talking about divorce before the divorce, me talking about my kids‘ reaction to that divorce.

Men’s vows are women’s traitors!

I’ve told Billy if I ever caught him cheating, I wouldn’t kill him because I love his children and they need a dad. But I would beat him up. I know where all of his sports injuries are.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Sucking up to the biggies won’t get us anywhere.

We talk about this concept of openness and transparency as the high-level ideal that we’re moving towards at Facebook. The way that we get there is by empowering people to share and connect. The combination of those two things leads the world to become more open.

It’s always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. If you can make a woman laugh, you’re seeing the most beautiful thing on God’s Earth.

Patience is key for getting over a breakup. That, and trailing off your interaction after the breakup.

Men want to make women happy.

Every man’s reputation proceeds from those of his own household.

Part of our tradition as black women is that we are universalists. Black children, yellow children, red children, brown children, that is the black woman’s normal, day-to-day relationship. In my family alone, we are about four different colors.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Alimony – the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

For me, one of the toughest things about Valentine’s Day is that it gets geared up as the day to profess your love. See, T-E-S-T – that’s a bad word that doesn’t go with L-O-V-E.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

It is really very important while you are young to live in an environment in which there is no fear. Most of us, as we grow older, become frightened; we are afraid of living, afraid of losing a job, afraid of tradition, afraid of what the neighbours, or what the wife or husband would say, afraid of death.

There was one incident at a movie theater where my girl got mad at these guys who were talking behind us. I never looked back there, but she was like, ‚Will you all just shut up!‘ And I just got up and moved three rows in front. She was like, ‚What are you doing?!‘ I was like, ‚You better get up here! I don’t play the fighting games.‘

It is plain indeed that in spite of later estrangement Hobbits are relatives of ours: far nearer to us than Elves, or even than Dwarves. Of old they spoke the languages of Men, after their own fashion, and liked and disliked much the same things as Men did. But what exactly our relationship is can no longer be discovered.

When you’re traveling constantly, every day you become inspired, and it shows in my work, sonically, lyrically, visually. Conversations with women with different accents and stories told in those accents. I like to create characters based on different people I’ve met, and relationships. I like to tell stories loosely based on real-life events.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.

There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I’ve… been accused of being involved with every man I’m ever seen with or worked with. Maybe I have, maybe I ain’t. I never tell if I have.

No one can live without relationship. You may withdraw into the mountains, become a monk, a sannyasi, wander off into the desert by yourself, but you are related. You cannot escape from that absolute fact. You cannot exist in isolation.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

If women were particular about men’s characters, they would never get married at all.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

My experiences in life are getting bigger and better. The more stuff I do, the more stuff I talk about – having kids, traveling, going through relationship problems, dealing with things in my own family. All that stuff builds character.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you, and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them.

A lot of times, people feel that if they forgive the person who hurt them, then they will continue to take advantage of them or not take responsibility for what they did wrong.

Accident counts for as much in companionship as in marriage.

Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

To love is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.