My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

I still have my first paycheck. It was just, I think, a dollar or two that I got when I started as a songwriter with BMI, and I had some songs there that I had through the company, and in the mail I got this big old check for, like, a dollar and a half or something. Somebody had recorded one of my songs.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Power is the measure of the degree of control you have over circumstances in your life and the actions of the people around you. It is a skill that is developed by a deep understanding of human nature, of what truly motivates people, and of the manipulations necessary for advancement and protection.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

All I ever wanted to do with my life was own a little house. I did that way back with ‚Rocky,‘ so now everything I do is just icing on the cake.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Everything rises and falls on leadership.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I’m filthy rich!

When you are fitted in a racing car and you race to win, second or third place is not enough.

The more centuries that I am able to score, the happier I will be.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

The most pitiful among men is he who turns his dreams into silver and gold.

Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem.

We have a big appetite for putting people down but, at the heart of everyone, there’s enough room for all of us to succeed.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Honor means that a man is not exceptional; fame, that he is. Fame is something which must be won; honor, only something which must not be lost.

I think if I keep working in the way that I am, from the heart and from passion and with love, well, the fruits of that will keep coming.

It doesn’t matter where you come from, what you have or don’t have, what you lack, or what you have too much of. But all you need to have is faith in God, an undying passion for what you do and what you choose to do in this life, and a relentless drive and the will to do whatever it takes to be successful in whatever you put your mind to.

A man of genius has been seldom ruined but by himself.

The richest people in the world look for and build networks; everyone else looks for work.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

There is no innovation and creativity without failure. Period.

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

You can’t be afraid to fail. It’s the only way you succeed – you’re not gonna succeed all the time, and I know that.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Winning is the most important. Everything is consequence of that.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.

If you’re going to be a winner in life, you have to constantly go beyond your best.

No one remembers who climbed Mount Everest the second time.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m a novelist right now. There is no definite career reason why I became a writer. Something happened, and I became a writer. And now I’m a successful writer.

The way for a young man to rise is to improve himself in every way he can, never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.

The most talented do not always end up as celebrities, and those with less talent often do. Upsets are written into our history and occur around us every day.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.

As far as a glass ceiling, I feel that all you can do is give it your absolute best with whatever gifts the universe has given you. And if you make it in some way that other people can recognize, that’s fine. But even if you don’t quote-unquote make it, you’re fine if you’ve given it your whole heart and soul.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I’d just as soon play tennis with the net down.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

I want to look my best for God. So many people have the attitude that if you’re a Christian you’ve got to dress bad, wear an old color, not do anything to your hair, have nothing. It’s no wonder that Christianity is not very attractive. I mean, how many people do you know in a Western culture that’s going to go, ‚Yeah, give me some of that?‘

I enjoy wearing pins, and nobody tells me to do it.

Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.

I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success… such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything.

I think that success is having fun.

Don’t wait to be successful at some future point. Have a successful relationship with the present moment and be fully present in whatever you are doing. That is success.

If it wasn’t for the fun and money, I really don’t know why I’d bother.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

While they were saying among themselves it cannot be done, it was done.

‚Victory Lap,‘ even the title. It’s the accumulation of trial and error; that’s what I represent; trial and error.