My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

I’ve been through natural disasters. I lived down in Miami and was down there for Hurricane Andrew which was a Category 5. There were members of my family that thought they were going to die. Everyone was in the bathtub.

The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

I mean, families are weird.

There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

I remember thinking quite logically that I didn’t want to spoil my children with wealth and so that I would create a foundation, but not knowing exactly what it would focus on.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

My dream is to be World Lightweight Champion in the UFC. Have more money than I know what to do with. And have a great life for my kids, grandkids, and everyone in my family.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Legacy is a stupid thing! I don’t want a legacy.

We care for each other and care about our family, and we are both working towards the same goal.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Laughter is America’s most important export.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

If you want someone to say, ‚She’s so sweet, and she’s so cute, and, honey, point your foot,‘ that’s not my school. You can go to the YMCA and have a nobody teach your kid if that’s what you want to hear.

What used to keep me up at night was the fact that I didn’t know how I was going to pay the rent. Now that I can pay the rent, I’m worrying about people I care about, you know, the people I love. The little aches and pains of my children that I, my family. That’s always first.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

We cannot fashion our children after our desires, we must have them and love them as God has given them to us.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

All my stepchildren carried the burden of my fame. Sometimes they would read terrible things about me, and I’d worry about whether it would hurt them. I would tell them: ‚Don’t hide these things from me. I’d rather you ask me these things straight out, and I’ll answer all your questions.‘

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

My mom and my dad were both very sociable, meeting lots of interesting people.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

The difference between us and them, between you and success, is not that you never fail, but it’s how you recover from those failures – is that you keep getting up time and time again. You figure out what you did wrong, and then you make it right. I say that to my kids every day.

Our inquiring friends and neighbors not of our faith can also catch the wave. We encourage them to keep all that is good and true in their lives. And we invite them to receive more, especially the glorious truth that through God’s eternal plan, families can be together forever.

Children sweeten labours, but they make misfortunes more bitter.

But, you know, you can’t be a star at home.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I want to work; then, as my kids get older, I want to have adventures. I want to visit all their countries: learn and live inside all their cultures.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Allow children to be happy in their own way, for what better way will they find?

Growing up, my grandmother did not want worldly music in the house. Then when I went out to California, I started listening to Spanish music, mostly Mexican music. But were I in Egypt, I would listen to the music of the people, or if I was in Italy, I’d listen to Italian music.

A son can bear with equanimity the loss of his father, but the loss of his inheritance may drive him to despair.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

My three children have brought me great joy.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

It was a privilege to pray with Governor Romney – for his family and our country.

It is amazing how a new child can refocus one’s direction seconds after its birth.

If I were a woman, I would love to have lots of kids. But for men, I don’t believe in it.

All parents are concerned about their children’s well-being. As a parent of three kids, I’m very concerned about their well-being.

Part of our tradition as black women is that we are universalists. Black children, yellow children, red children, brown children, that is the black woman’s normal, day-to-day relationship. In my family alone, we are about four different colors.

First and foremost comes my family and my life with Brad. We have so much joy in raising our children and teaching them about the world that nothing really compares to that.

Whoever does not have a good father should procure one.

I do not raise brats!

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The kids never listen to you, especially the youngest ones.

I can encourage my daughter to love her body, but what really matters are the observations she makes about my relationship with my own body.

When I think of the love I feel for each member of our family, I sense, to a slight degree, the love that our Heavenly Father bears for His children.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I don’t know if I officially proofread my father’s book, but I read it. I did get some conception of grammar in general from that.

Basketball is my passion, I love it. But my family and friends mean everything to me. That’s what’s important. I need my phone so I can keep in contact with them at all times.