My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Through the ages, many of His children have had access to the blessings of the gospel, but many more have not.

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Everywhere I go, the kids call me ‚the book lady.‘ The older I get, the more appreciative I seem to be of the ‚book lady‘ title. It makes me feel more like a legitimate person, not just a singer or an entertainer. But it makes me feel like I’ve done something good with my life and with my success.

Taking care of children has nothing to do with politics. I think perhaps with time, instead of there being a politicization of humanitarian aid, there will be a humanization of politics.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

The joys of parents are secret, and so are their grieves and fears.

I really like children to watch my movies.

Don’t try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie. Study computers instead.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

As a general rule, the most successful man in life is the man who has the best information.

I had one incident where my daughter said that a girl asked if she was a brown person. I said, ‚We’re black. You have black people, white people, Chinese people, Hispanic people; we’re all brought up differently.‘

Cancer victimhood contains a permanent temptation to be self-centred and even solipsistic.

Maybe I don’t have the most common kind of motor neuron disease, which usually kills in two or three years.

God has already done everything He’s going to do. The ball is now in your court. If you want success, if you want wisdom, if you want to be prosperous and healthy, you’re going to have to do more than meditate and believe; you must boldly declare words of faith and victory over yourself and your family.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I regarded finding I had a form of Alzheimer’s as an insult and decided to do my best to marshal any kind of forces I could against this wretched disease. I have posterior cortical atrophy or PCA. They say, rather ingenuously, that if you have Alzheimer’s it’s the best form of Alzheimer’s to have.

I actually feel like women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain when we consider all of the people who are really struggling and don’t have the means or support. Many people are single, raising children. That’s hard.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

As a medical doctor, I have known the face of adversity. I have seen much of death and dying, suffering and sorrow. I also remember the plight of students overwhelmed by their studies and of those striving to learn a foreign language. And I recall the fatigue and frustration felt by young parents with children in need.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.

He that hath knowledge spareth his words.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

With every word we utter, with every action we take, we know our kids are watching us. We as parents are their most important role models.

If investments in banks fall, it is a tragedy, and people say, ‚What are we going to do?‘ but if people die of hunger, have nothing to eat or suffer from poor health, that’s nothing.

When I think of the love I feel for each member of our family, I sense, to a slight degree, the love that our Heavenly Father bears for His children.

He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you are a parent, you have probably already realized that your children are always watching what you do. And just as children watch their parents and emulate their behavior, so do employees who are watching their bosses.

I have the problems of, I must confess, old age.

When we talk about mortality, we are talking about our children.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

What troubles me most about my lovely country is that its children are seldom taught that American freedom will vanish, if, when they grow up, and in the exercise of their duties as citizens, they insist that our courts and policemen and prisons be guided by divine or natural law.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I’m not resigned, but I’m realistic too. The statistics in my case are very poor. Not many people come through esophageal cancer and live to talk about it, or not for long. And the other wager is, the part of the wager, it’s a certainty you’ll have a terrible time and you may wish you were dying because it’s an awful process.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

When people are connected, we can just do some great things. They have the opportunity to get access to jobs, education, health, communications. We have the opportunity to bring the people we care about closer to us. It really makes a big difference.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

While I believed deeply in my husband’s vision for this country… and I was certain he would make an extraordinary President… like any mother, I was worried about what it would mean for our girls if he got that chance. How would we keep them grounded under the glare of the national spotlight?

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

I have now exactly the same weight I had when I was 18, 20.