My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

My gold, my money couldn’t stop cancer from appearing on my body. If they can’t save me, then I don’t need them.

AIDS itself is subject to incredible stigma.

I’m not resigned, but I’m realistic too. The statistics in my case are very poor. Not many people come through esophageal cancer and live to talk about it, or not for long. And the other wager is, the part of the wager, it’s a certainty you’ll have a terrible time and you may wish you were dying because it’s an awful process.

I love everything about my job, except being away from the kids.

Children say that people are hung sometimes for speaking the truth.

With the amount of money I have, it’s difficult raising children the way I was raised.

Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource – the minds of our children.

It occurred to me that at one point it was like I had two diseases – one was Alzheimer’s, and the other was knowing I had Alzheimer’s.

Although modesty is natural to man, it is not natural to children. Modesty only begins with the knowledge of evil.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone.

I was very worried about my mother, growing up – a lot. I do not want my children to be worried about me.

Listen to many, speak to a few.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

Stand-up is my baby.

I had real plans for my next decade and felt I’d worked hard enough to earn it. Will I really not live to see my children married? To watch the World Trade Center rise again? To read – if not indeed write – the obituaries of elderly villains like Henry Kissinger and Joseph Ratzinger?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You send a boy to school in order to make friends – the right sort.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

The wish for healing has always been half of health.

In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice.

No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.

Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

They are resilient children, but they are children, and as much as they need help to understand the hard truths in life, they also need what we all need – protection and love.

My next baby will be my new record.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.

Science and mindfulness complement each other in helping people to eat well and maintain their health and well-being.

Now that I’m a parent, I understand why my father was in a bad mood a lot.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The worst men often give the best advice.

There is a wisdom in this beyond the rules of physic: a man’s own observation what he finds good of and what he finds hurt of is the best physic to preserve health.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life.

Connectivity enables transparency for better government, education, and health.

America is a friend to the people of Iraq. Our demands are directed only at the regime that enslaves them and threatens us. When these demands are met, the first and greatest benefit will come to Iraqi men, women and children.

My husband’s a pediatrician, so he and I talk about parenting all the time. You can’t raise children who have more shame resilience than you do.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

It is good to realize that if love and peace can prevail on earth, and if we can teach our children to honor nature’s gifts, the joys and beauties of the outdoors will be here forever.

I have an expression I use as I’ve gone around the world through my career: ‚You never tell another man or woman what’s in their interest. They know their interest better than you know their interest.‘

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

For me, often, there’s such a cloud of melancholia about knowing I’m going to have to leave my daughter on her own. I don’t know what age that is going to be, thank God. It just doubles me up in grief.

General consultant to mankind.

I teach children to be winners.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.