My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I mean, families are weird.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

There are practical little things in housekeeping which no man really understands.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I hate to be smart.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.