My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

The woman that deliberates is lost.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Some kinds of animals burrow in the ground; others do not. Some animals are nocturnal, as the owl and the bat; others use the hours of daylight. There are tame animals and wild animals. Man and the mule are always tame; the leopard and the wolf are invariably wild, and others, as the elephant, are easily tamed.

When I moved out, my mom and dad came to help me get settled into my apartment – a place I ultimately got hooked up with in Coach Nelson’s building. We had to figure out how to get all my shoes over here. That was a little stressful.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

My connection with Brazil is so abstract. My blood and my way of thinking is Brazilian, but that’s it. I don’t tend to go back to the past, and although I have an apartment there, I rarely visit. When I move, I really move.

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

If we open a quarrel between past and present, we shall find that we have lost the future.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

The astronomer will believe that the most erratic comet will yet accomplish its journey and revisit our sphere; but we give up those for lost who have not wandered one-half the distance from the centre of light and life.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

If I ever felt like I was getting lost in the hurricane that was storming around Nirvana, I’d just go back to Virginia.

A child miseducated is a child lost.

Some animals are cunning and evil-disposed, as the fox; others, as the dog, are fierce, friendly, and fawning. Some are gentle and easily tamed, as the elephant; some are susceptible of shame, and watchful, as the goose. Some are jealous and fond of ornament, as the peacock.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I have my favorite cat, who is my paperweight, on my desk while I am writing.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.