My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

My connection with Brazil is so abstract. My blood and my way of thinking is Brazilian, but that’s it. I don’t tend to go back to the past, and although I have an apartment there, I rarely visit. When I move, I really move.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

It’s a funny old world.

When I moved out, my mom and dad came to help me get settled into my apartment – a place I ultimately got hooked up with in Coach Nelson’s building. We had to figure out how to get all my shoes over here. That was a little stressful.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Some animals are cunning and evil-disposed, as the fox; others, as the dog, are fierce, friendly, and fawning. Some are gentle and easily tamed, as the elephant; some are susceptible of shame, and watchful, as the goose. Some are jealous and fond of ornament, as the peacock.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

The woman that deliberates is lost.

If I ever felt like I was getting lost in the hurricane that was storming around Nirvana, I’d just go back to Virginia.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

He is lost who is possessed by carnal desire.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

If we open a quarrel between past and present, we shall find that we have lost the future.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

I have my favorite cat, who is my paperweight, on my desk while I am writing.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

The virtues are lost in self-interest as rivers are lost in the sea.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

The astronomer will believe that the most erratic comet will yet accomplish its journey and revisit our sphere; but we give up those for lost who have not wandered one-half the distance from the centre of light and life.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is ‚elephant‘.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Some kinds of animals burrow in the ground; others do not. Some animals are nocturnal, as the owl and the bat; others use the hours of daylight. There are tame animals and wild animals. Man and the mule are always tame; the leopard and the wolf are invariably wild, and others, as the elephant, are easily tamed.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.