My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.

I used to rush home to see ‚Match Of The Day.‘ Whatever I was doing, I wouldn’t miss it.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Truth is always in harmony with herself, and is not concerned chiefly to reveal the justice that may consist with wrong-doing.

We might as well die as to go on living like this.

Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

Silence is as deep as eternity, speech a shallow as time.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

He who doesn’t pray to the Lord prays to the devil.

Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs.

What then do you call your soul? What idea have you of it? You cannot of yourselves, without revelation, admit the existence within you of anything but a power unknown to you of feeling and thinking.

The world is like a grand staircase, some are going up and some are going down.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking.

To live is to think.

It is best to rise from life as from a banquet, neither thirsty nor drunken.

I have thought there was some advantage even in death, by which we mingle with the herd of common men.

I am an Epicurean. I consider the genuine (not the imputed) doctrines of Epicurus as containing everything rational in moral philosophy which Greek and Roman leave to us.

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.

Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I didn’t have to win, and winning wasn’t important to me. Being world champion wasn’t important to me. What was important to me was entertaining the audience, and whether that meant winning, losing, singing, or whatever it was on the live show we were doing every week, which was awesome, I was game for it.

I take a lot of pride in the work I do, because people pay to see me. They’ve got to get babysitters, park their car, get popcorn and candy. I’ve got to be conscious of that.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.

The value of a principle is the number of things it will explain.

Rightly defined philosophy is simply the love of wisdom.

When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.

You are doomed to make choices. This is life’s greatest paradox.

A trifle consoles us, for a trifle distresses us.

Our object in the construction of the state is the greatest happiness of the whole, and not that of any one class.

Wisdom is found only in truth.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.

We hear only those questions for which we are in a position to find answers.

Base souls have no faith in great individuals.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I love WWE, and I love that platform. There is no other platform in the world that gives me that instant gratification. There is just no other platform.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

Existence really is an imperfect tense that never becomes a present.

There is a very fine line between loving life and being greedy for it.

I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.

Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species.

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

The first step in the evolution of ethics is a sense of solidarity with other human beings.

Man lives freely only by his readiness to die, if need be, at the hands of his brother, never by killing him.

Death is a commingling of eternity with time; in the death of a good man, eternity is seen looking through time.

If we don’t know life, how can we know death?

The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.