My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Modern travelling is not travelling at all; it is merely being sent to a place, and very little different from becoming a parcel.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I hate to be smart.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I think I have always had a little humor.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Cycling is a joy and faster than many other modes of transport, depending on the time of day. It clears the head.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Tell them to send everything that can fly.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.