My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Stand-up is hard.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Judas betrayed Jesus. Lady Red betrayed John Dillinger. Those things happen.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.