My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

I grew up around lots of men – my father, my brothers, my uncles – so I wasn’t intimidated by them.

Children are a wonderful gift. They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are.

If you’re the parent, be a parent. You know what I mean? I’m a parent. I have daughters.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

If you have a family mission statement that clarifies what your purpose is, then you use that as the criterion by which you make the decisions.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

I was totally dominated and revered my father. I admired everything he did. He was a great sports person. He loved me. I was his only boy at that time, before my brother Billy came along.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

There’s no political point worth my son’s life.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Taking care of children has nothing to do with politics. I think perhaps with time, instead of there being a politicization of humanitarian aid, there will be a humanization of politics.

My mother taught children to love to dance.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I actually feel like women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain when we consider all of the people who are really struggling and don’t have the means or support. Many people are single, raising children. That’s hard.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My mother was always fascinated with the fact that I could rhyme so much stuff.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

The only time my records are going to be broken is by my own spawn. I’m going be training that child out the womb.

The name Zahra was to have been lman’s own name at birth, but a senior member of the family changed it to lman at the last minute.

Food is everything we are. It’s an extension of nationalist feeling, ethnic feeling, your personal history, your province, your region, your tribe, your grandma. It’s inseparable from those from the get-go.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Actors are one family over the entire world.

That’s one of the biggest things. Never being home, always traveling, having different interests and focusing on different things, just the time aspect of going back home and seeing them, you don’t have that at all. It was a big sacrifice but, at the end of the day, it was worth it.

My father wasn’t a cruel man. And I loved him. But he was a pretty tough character. His own father was even tougher – one of those Victorians, hard as iron – but my dad was tough enough.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I always joke that my kids‘ favorite holiday is Father’s Day. They love the way I celebrate the occasion by writing each of them a thank-you letter and a generous check. It’s my way of letting them know how much I appreciate the great pleasure and privilege of being their dad.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

OK, I have a nickname. My family calls me ‚Trey‘ because I’m William the third. My dad has the same name, which is always confusing because my dad is well known, and I’m also known.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.

Basketball is my passion, I love it. But my family and friends mean everything to me. That’s what’s important. I need my phone so I can keep in contact with them at all times.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

People wonder aloud about whether I am an okay mother. That is obviously painful because it’s so important to me. It’s hard to hear that people think I’m not a capable mother and a good person, that they just think I’m nuts.

That summer after the draft was probably the most fun I’ve ever had, because all I had to do every day was wake up and go work out for four or five hours. I got to play some golf, which I love to do, too, and then got to hang out with my family.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Children astound me with their inquisitive minds. The world is wide and mysterious to them, and as they piece together the puzzle of life, they ask ‚Why?‘ ceaselessly.

These wretched babies don’t come until they are ready.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.