My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

When befriended, remember it; when you befriend, forget it.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

I’ve never been a boyfriend kind of girl.

Friends accept you the way you are.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

I am growing handsome very fast indeed! I expect I shall be the belle of Amherst when I reach my 17th year. I don’t doubt that I shall have perfect crowds of admirers at that age. Then how I shall delight to make them await my bidding, and with what delight shall I witness their suspense while I make my final decision.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Don’t be humble… you’re not that great.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The most dangerous word in any human tongue is the word for brother. It’s inflammatory.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.

Friendship is but another name for an alliance with the follies and the misfortunes of others. Our own share of miseries is sufficient: why enter then as volunteers into those of another?

I never thought I’d have children; I never thought I’d be in love, I never thought I’d meet the right person. Having come from a broken home – you kind of accept that certain things feel like a fairy tale, and you just don’t look for them.

The death of my father is probably the biggest thing that I ever faced. Daddy and I were best friends.

There is a courtesy of the heart; it is allied to love. From its springs the purest courtesy in the outward behavior.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Great loves too must be endured.

You can’t be in love with a Google search.

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.

The people you choose to have around you make all the difference. My family and close friends keep me grounded. You have to have a mind of your own and a strong head on your shoulders. Cricket is the most important thing to me, so the rest of it pales in comparison.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.

I can’t go out with a Republican.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Relationships are the hallmark of the mature person.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

I never promise anything. I don’t promise anything to my mum. I don’t promise anything to the supporters.

Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common therewith.

A lot of Jews are great friends of mine.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

Oh, God, I struggle with low self-esteem all the time! I think everyone does. I have so much wrong with me, it’s unbelievable!

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives‘ mouths.

In all our contacts it is probably the sense of being really needed and wanted which gives us the greatest satisfaction and creates the most lasting bond.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Those whom we can love, we can hate; to others we are indifferent.

I met my husband before I became a star, and he doesn’t care about any of it.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.

I like actors very much, but to marry one would be like marrying your brother. You look too much alike in the mirror.

If I’m gonna write songs about my exes, they can write songs about me. That’s how it works.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Don’t ever call a guy first. The thing they want the most is whatever they can’t have. It sounds really juvenile, but it works.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

A good wife is one who serves her husband in the morning like a mother does, loves him in the day like a sister does and pleases him like a prostitute in the night.

If the Great Way perishes there will morality and duty. When cleverness and knowledge arise great lies will flourish. When relatives fall out with one another there will be filial duty and love. When states are in confusion there will be faithful servants.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.