My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

The mind of a 19-year-old is very different from the mind of a 26-year-old. You grow. You get into better relationships. You experience more, meet more people, better people. But when you’re in a dark hole at an earlier point in your life – you write about the mindset you’re in at that moment.

He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.

The reason why men do not obey us, is because they see the mud at the bottom of our eye.

Speak low, if you speak love.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

I’ve found that men I’ve dated who are in the same business can be really competitive. I’ve found a great group of girlfriends in the same business who aren’t competitive, but a few times guys have started comparing careers and it has been… challenging.

Country radio is much more like a family than any other group of people that I’ve met.

I searched for years I found no love. I’m sure that love will never be a product of plasticity.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

The details surrounding both my marriage and subsequent filing for divorce are private, and I had hoped to keep them that way for the sake of my family.

One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable.

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Tell your wife often how terrific she looks.

Since it is difficult to join them together, it is safer to be feared than to be loved when one of the two must be lacking.

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.

In each action we must look beyond the action at our past, present, and future state, and at others whom it affects, and see the relations of all those things. And then we shall be very cautious.

No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.

President Johnson and I have a lot in common. We were both born in small towns and we’re both fortunate in the fact that we think we married above ourselves.

You’re unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I have lived and slept in the same bed with English countesses and Prussian farm women… no woman has excited passions among women more than I have.

My body is weird. I wake up when the sun comes up, and it’s hard for me to go to sleep. My thoughts just take over.

Men don’t really like skinny, do they?

Everyone has been in love, at some point or another.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

My mother and my father have been married 50 years, and he’s just started to understand that something’s wrong with the system. He accepted the whole thing, you see. Yet this industrious kind of engagement didn’t bring him the success, according to American terms, that he wanted. I was probably affected by this very much. In fact, I know I was.

Love is a better teacher than duty.

Obviously, you go through a lot of emotional turmoil in a divorce.

Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common therewith.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

If I’d been born ugly, you’d never have heard of Pele.

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.

I’ve never had a dislike for men. I’ve been badly treated by some. But I’ve been loved greatly by some. I married a lot of them.

Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.

I am getting to the point where the only love worth being in is the love worth singing about.

The prospect of dating someone in her twenties becomes less appealing as you get older. At some point in your life, your tolerance level goes down and you realize that, with someone much younger, there’s nothing really to talk about.

I don’t have time to be lonely. And I get fearful of relationships because I feel guilty about wanting someone to be completely faithful and loyal, when I can’t even give them 10 percent of the attention that they need. It’s just the reality of my time, my life, my schedule.

For how many things, which for our own sake we should never do, do we perform for the sake of our friends.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

Never marry someone in hope that they’ll change later.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

Accident counts for as much in companionship as in marriage.

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

The fact is that people are good, Give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Relationships are the hallmark of the mature person.

There’s nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It’s a thing no married man knows anything about.

I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying.

I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that’s not what America’s about. Usually, our constitutions expand liberties, they don’t contract them.