My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Among the letters my readers write me, there is a certain category which is continuously growing, and which I see as a symptom of the increasing intellectualization of the relationship between readers and literature.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I was performing in New York and my friends started to call me Gaga, they said I was very theatrical and they said, ‚You’re Gaga‘.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

OK, I have a nickname. My family calls me ‚Trey‘ because I’m William the third. My dad has the same name, which is always confusing because my dad is well known, and I’m also known.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Stand-up is my baby.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Everyone calls me Bruno; they don’t ever call me Peter – that was just my government name.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I have a really close relationship with Mike Bloomberg.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

The brain may be regarded as a kind of parasite of the organism, a pensioner, as it were, who dwells with the body.