My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

I didn’t have to win, and winning wasn’t important to me. Being world champion wasn’t important to me. What was important to me was entertaining the audience, and whether that meant winning, losing, singing, or whatever it was on the live show we were doing every week, which was awesome, I was game for it.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

Acting is the perfect idiot’s profession.

I want to play a fireman and a spy. I want to learn special effects.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

I know that if I had a television in my flat I would convince myself that everything on it was really interesting. I would say, ‚I’m a Celebrity – Get Me Out of Here!‘ is so sociologically fascinating that I think I’d better watch.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

As we all know, sequels can be tricky.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

The movie business is a big gamble.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Dude, maybe not everyone loves ‚Glee.‘ Me included. I watched 10 minutes and it wasn’t my thing.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

One of the powerful temptations is that of the cinema palace. The cinema has undoubtedly an enormous attraction for boys, and people are constantly cudgelling their brains how to stop it. But it is one of those things which would be very difficult to stop even if it were altogether desirable.

Music is part of the life of fashion, too.

I think television has had a vast, unbelievable impact on us.

I love to go to the zoo. But not on Sunday. I don’t like to see the people making fun of the animals, when it should be the other way around.

I love Chris Brown. He’s a superstar. He’s one of the best singers out there.

I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut the check, and I will perform anywhere.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Much of everyday life is filled with opportunities to be distracted. Our possessions… entertainment… cares and anxieties… and even the passionate desire and pursuit of things, some good and not so good, can keep our minds and hearts caught up in a flurry of activity.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

My opinion can be completely different after a show.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I’d get so panicked that I would stutter.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

It just seems there’s better things to do in your life than be on television if it’s not interesting, if it’s not challenging, if it’s not fun. You know? When it stops being those things for me, I’ll stop making television.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Football games are on TV, and it doesn’t affect stadium attendance at all. It’s the same with movies. People who really love movies and like to go out on a Saturday night will go to the movie theater.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

People don’t want drama 365 days a year. I’m a sense of relief; it’s my job to take your mind off what’s bad for that brief second you’re in the room with me, regardless of shape, race, colour or anything. It brings people together, and it makes me feel good about what I’m doing.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

I talk about myself in the third person all the time. I don’t live my life in the way someone like you does. I live my life completely serving only my work and my fans.