My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

There is a ‚sanctity‘ involved with bringing a child into this world: it is better than bombing one out of it.

You don’t lead by hitting people over the head – that’s assault, not leadership.

I hope I have helped to raise the profile of science and to show that physics is not a mystery but can be understood by ordinary people.

We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.

Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Scoutcraft is a means through which the veriest hooligan can be brought to higher thought and to the elements of faith in God; and, coupled with the Scout’s obligation to do a good turn every day, it gives the base of Duty to God and to Neighbour on which the parent or pastor can build with greater ease the form of belief that is desired.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

When we’re looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, is able to bend and, most of all, embraces us for our strengths and struggles.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

If you want someone to say, ‚She’s so sweet, and she’s so cute, and, honey, point your foot,‘ that’s not my school. You can go to the YMCA and have a nobody teach your kid if that’s what you want to hear.

We must distinguish between speaking to deceive and being silent to be reserved.

The only way I hear gossip is if it’s big enough and loud enough for my friends to bring it up to me. Or if it’s, like, a big untrue ordeal from my publicist – and she hates making that phone call!

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.

I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

We’re not trying to make you less of a man. We just want you to love us as deeply and as wholesomely and as fully as we love you.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

My parents taught me never to judge others based on whom they love, what color their skin is, or their religion.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.

Man can be understood only by ascending from physics, chemistry, biology, and geology. In other words, he is first of all a cosmic problem.

Luckily for me, people don’t scream at me that much in my everyday life.

Men are what their mothers made them.

SPAM is taking e-mail, which is a wonderful tool, and exploiting the idea that it’s very inexpensive to send mail.

To know anything well involves a profound sensation of ignorance.

Just as the humble, unassuming, assenting ‚O.K.‘ has deposed the more affirmative ‚Yes,‘ so the little cringe and hesitation and approximation of ‚like‘ are a help to young people who are struggling to negotiate the shoals and rapids of ethnic identity, the street, and general correctness.

I always tried to do things by example, even though I was not a very good mother regarding routines and family life.

Smiles are the language of love.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

My mother did not like children.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Newspapers are the second hand of history. This hand, however, is usually not only of inferior metal to the other hands, it also seldom works properly.

Yes, I, well, when I write, as often as I can, I try to write as if I’m talking to people. It doesn’t always work, and one shouldn’t always try it, but I try and write as if I am talking, and trying to engage the reader in conversation.

Writing and cookery are just two different means of communication.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

What women need to understand is that men don’t communicate. It’s not intentional or on purpose. We’re just not as emotional. You ladies feel like you have to express yourselves.

I will say this: one of the things that is a pain when you’re expecting children is how much advice unsolicited people give you when you’re not asking for it.

We need somebody who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom, the empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor or African-American or gay or disabled or old – and that’s the criterion by which I’ll be selecting my judges.

If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.

Ignorant kindness may have the effect of cruelty; but to be angry with it as if it were direct cruelty would be an ignorant unkindness.

If one plays good music, people don’t listen and if one plays bad music people don’t talk.

As a father, I always want my son to be perfect. When he was young, I tried to train him in martial arts, but he said, ‚I don’t want to become like Bruce Lee’s son, with everybody telling me how good my father was.‘ I just think my son is too lazy.

Wisdom is the right use of knowledge. To know is not to be wise. Many men know a great deal, and are all the greater fools for it. There is no fool so great a fool as a knowing fool. But to know how to use knowledge is to have wisdom.

Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I wish I had been home more when the children were growing up. I missed a lot.

My dad has kind of been the standard for me, he played 16 years in the league, and since I’ve been in the league, every year that I go through and deal with the scratches, the bumps and bruises, just the grind that it is to go through one NBA season.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The instruction we find in books is like fire. We fetch it from our neighbours, kindle it at home, communicate it to others, and it becomes the property of all.

Tell the truth, but tell it slant.

Speak low, if you speak love.

Speeches that are measured by the hour will die with the hour.

When I look at public opinion, I’m not far out of the mainstream. I’m in it, in many respects. In some respects, public opinion goes beyond anything I’ve ever said.

If you understand the universe, you control it, in a way.

I’ll die a crazy old man!