My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Comedy isn’t necessarily all dialogue. Think of Buster Keaton: the poker face and all this chaos going on all around him. Sometimes it’s a question of timing, of the proper rhythm.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Faith keeps many doubts in her pay. If I could not doubt, I should not believe.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things.

I’m a spokesman for myself. It just so happens that there’s a bunch of people that are concerned with what I have to say. I find that frightening at times because I’m just as confused as most people. I don’t have the answers for anything.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‚There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.‘ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.

Although our intellect always longs for clarity and certainty, our nature often finds uncertainty fascinating.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Part of the reason there’s an injunction to the truth, for example, is that if you’re in a circumstance of extreme uncertainty, your best weapon, let’s say, or your best tool or your best defense is the truth, because it keeps things simpler.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I’ll continue to make the typical Adam Sandler comedies.

Our need for certainty in an endeavor as uncertain as raising children makes explicit ‚how-to-parent‘ strategies both seductive and dangerous.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Brad will tell you. He puts a movie on, I’m asleep in 10 minutes. I have no patience. But the kids love action movies with comedy, Jackie Chan and all that.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

We fear that this moment will end, that we won’t get what we need, that we will lose what we love, or that we will not be safe. Often, our biggest fear is the knowledge that one day our bodies will cease functioning. So even when we are surrounded by all the conditions for happiness, our joy is not complete.

Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow – that’s vulnerability.

Politics is applesauce.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.