My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Our soul is cast into a body, where it finds number, time, dimension. Thereupon it reasons, and calls this nature necessity, and can believe nothing else.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

The world, we are told, was made especially for man – a presumption not supported by all the facts. A numerous class of men are painfully astonished whenever they find anything, living or dead, in all God’s universe, which they cannot eat or render in some way what they call useful to themselves.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I care to live only to entice people to look at Nature’s loveliness. Heaven knows that John the Baptist was not more eager to get all his fellow sinners into the Jordan than I to baptize all of mine in the beauty of God’s mountains.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.

In all private quarrels the duller nature is triumphant by reason of dullness.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Horses make a landscape look beautiful.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.

Sisters are brittle things. God was penurious with me, which makes me shrewd with Him. One is a dainty sum! One bird, one cage, one flight; one song in those far woods, as yet suspected by faith only!

Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

We must lay hold of the fact that economic laws are not made by nature. They are made by human beings.

We must all obey the great law of change. It is the most powerful law of nature.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.

Chaos was the law of nature; Order was the dream of man.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I love the sea.

Consider a tree for a moment. As beautiful as trees are to look at, we don’t see what goes on underground – as they grow roots. Trees must develop deep roots in order to grow strong and produce their beauty. But we don’t see the roots. We just see and enjoy the beauty. In much the same way, what goes on inside of us is like the roots of a tree.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

There is but one law for all, namely that law which governs all law, the law of our Creator, the law of humanity, justice, equity – the law of nature and of nations.

You carry Mother Earth within you. She is not outside of you. Mother Earth is not just your environment.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I couldn’t take pictures of green rolling hills.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

We are by nature observers, and thereby learners. That is our permanent state.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

The stars shall fade away, the sun himself Grow dim with age, and nature sink in years, But thou shalt flourish in immortal youth, Unhurt amidst the wars of elements, The wrecks of matter, and the crush of worlds.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

Two things awe me most, the starry sky above me and the moral law within me.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The forests of America, however slighted by man, must have been a great delight to God; for they were the best he ever planted. The whole continent was a garden, and from the beginning, it seemed to be favored above all the other wild parks and gardens of the globe.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Each piece, or part, of the whole of nature is always merely an approximation to the complete truth, or the complete truth so far as we know it. In fact, everything we know is only some kind of approximation because we know that we do not know all the laws as yet.

The violets in the mountains have broken the rocks.